What I've Learned and What I Still Can't Grasp

Here's the thing about turning forty...it's just a number.  The number doesn't bother me.  You're only as old as you make yourself and I don't feel forty.  To quote King George in his song Troubadour...

I still feel twenty-five
most of the time
I still raise a little cain with the boys

And I do...might take me a little while to get moving the next day and the recovery a little longer but I can still do it. This is what bothers me. I never expected to be at this place in my life of having to start over, of having to find myself again, of trying to figure out how to be happy again.  I never expected it to be this hard and I really didn't expect to still feel so alone and lost at times.  I am very naive when it comes to life and more.  I was always believed the notion that bad things happen to other people, not me.  My 30s proved that theory wrong several times.  I had good moments; heck great moments even but the bad and horrible far outweighed the good so the Oscar for my 30s goes to the bad. The thing about divorce is it takes so much from you.  You don't just lose a marriage, a partner and a life you built with someone else, you also lose pieces of you.  I have always struggled with self-confidence.  Divorce shattered what little I had and I have found myself still struggling with that but also struggling with self-worth.  Who will want me?  This single mom with two kids who can't even figure out what light bulb she needs for the kitchen.  She wasn't good enough for the ex, why would she be good enough for anyone else.  You see how I think.  I have always been shy...painfully shy.  I don't talk much or ask questions because I don't want to be made fun of for not knowing the answer or saying the wrong thing.  I smile, laugh or just stay quiet.  That's how I handle it. Sometimes I might pick right back but its rare, especially if I don't know you. People mistake my shyness for being a snob.  Soooo far from.  If they only knew how hard it truly is for me, that most of the time I feel like an idiot and I know absolutely nothing.  Compliments are even hard for me to accept but I'm learning to accept and say thank you.  On the flip side of being shy, when you do get to know me you get to see me...the funny side, the smart-ass side, the laugh until you cry and then start snorting side, the goofy side, the I feel like I'm a kid again side, the perfectionist side, the so mad I cry and cuss side, the dance with music while I'm cooking side, the passionate side.  You learn that for a pint-sized gal I care big, support big, love big and get mad big.  When you get a piece of my heart, you get it for life.  I sometimes wish I was one of those people who could start out not trusting people.  That way you would have to earn my trust and I would never get hurt if you were to do something stupid and my heart would always be protected.  But I've never been that way.

The thing about going through a divorce and starting over in a small town you've lived in all your life is that everyone thinks they know your business or wants to be in your business whether you allow it or not. I've never adjusted to the way things are made up, twisted and turned around to make a relatively boring true story a better story for sake of gossip. One can be innocent and not the bad guy but with a few twists...turned into the bad guy. I've never been a vindictive person and I don't play games. It doesn't interest me. I'm a straight shooter, no BS here. There are always two sides to every story and unless you know both or have lived and experienced that story first-hand, you never truly know the real story. Things are never what they seem if you're just seeing it from the outside.

From tragedy, I've learned that you have to live life to the fullest every single day.  If you have the means and the opportunities, take them now.  Don't wait for a better day or when the time is right.  If you wait, you will miss out on so many great things and those opportunities will be gone.  I've learned that no matter how hard you try to protect your heart, its still gonna get nicked but if you take a chance and open up, what you find can be so rewarding.

From having a 3 year old who is quite different from her big brother I've learned that if she's quiet, you better check on her quick or something will be a mess when you do find her.  That when she says "uh oh mommy" there really is an "uh oh".  That lip gloss, A&D ointment, yogurt, gravy and ranch really don't hurt your skin and possibly do give it a nice healthy glow.  From having a teenager, I've learned that just because he is answering questions via text or verbally on the phone does not mean everything he is saying/hearing is registering with him.  You must converse with him in person looking you in the eyes and not playing video games. I've also learned that a 13 year old boy really can eat you out of house and home.  

I know this post has been all over the place but I wanted to get my thoughts down about what I've learned, what I haven't grasped yet and what I still just don't get which is most everything.  My goal for my 40s, as it always has been, is to leave all the bad in the past where it belongs and not look back at what could have been. I am the worst at looking back thinking if I had done this instead of that, maybe this would have happened.  I know you can't "what if" it every day and you certainly can't over-think situations.  You'll eat yourself up and create problems that didn't exist in the first place.  I am so guilty of doing that but I'm learning. Learning to look forward to the new possibilities, new beginnings, new starts, new me and try to let the small town crap roll off my shoulders.  That's a lot easier said than done.  I know this journey isn't going to be an easy one and I feel like I still have some hard roads ahead of me but I'm going to try my best to keep a positive attitude  and remember the grace my grandmothers and my mom taught me.  In the face of tragedy, in the face of all the piss and vinegar that's shot in my direction, I will try to keep it from bringing me down and not let the Missy that once existed disappear forever.