Independence Day & A Birthday

Today is Independence Day and my mommy's birthday.  She would have been 76.  

She has been around us a lot lately, especially last Saturday.  Cindy and I had a garage sale at her mother-in-laws house.  We were sitting in the heat waiting on our customers when Cindy says, "Look, a cardinal, momma is here"  I didn't miss a beat with my reply, "she's not going to miss out on a garage sale".  And the cardinal was a female.  She flew around us all morning.  Later that evening when Bella and I were at the fireworks, she was there again.  This time through music and fireworks.  While the fireworks were going, you could tune into a radio station and listen to music.  Lo and behold, "God Bless Texas" came on.  That was one of her favorite songs and she loved Texas and fireworks.  I love it when she makes her presence known.  I know she is with us all the time, but when little things like cardinals appear, its reassuring and comforting in a way.  

Happy 76th Momma!!  We love and miss you every single day. 

Happy 4th of July!!

Life Does Go On

I have often thought about all the things that have happened since you've been gone.  Its so weird looking at the calendar and seeing that it has been 10 years now.  10 years.  So many times I have wanted to pick up the phone to call or swing by the house to see what you were up to. I still have those thoughts and then remember you are gone.  Both your girls had babies, Brady and Bella. When I think about you missing out on time spent with them, it breaks my heart.  Even more when I realize they will only know their Grammy through pictures and stories we share with them.  My divorce.  Bryan falling out of a tree while cutting a limb.  Daddy remarrying. Cindy's trip to the State Play-offs, and realizing you never got the chance to see her coach in Angleton.  I remember her first game.  She had a spot reserved just for you right up front. Tony battling cancer.  Life just moving on without you.  You were way too young mommy.   All the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries that have come since you've been gone. Every single one of them difficult.  Time does not make things easier.  You learn to manage the hole left, the emptiness and some days you just don't manage it well.  That's how I feel about it anyways.

I remember the day like other difficult days, in flashbacks.  Moments that stand out.  I remember our last conversation the night before.  I remember getting the call to come home because you took a turn during the night.  I remember family coming to see you.  I remember all sitting in the bedroom sharing stories.  And I remember when you took your last breath.

And now, as I sit here writing about you, my eyes fill up with tears and I get mad because you aren't here.  I want to throw a fit because life just isn't fair.

You are always with me, I know this.  Some days I feel you are closer than others.  I still love to see you in my dreams.  I love it even more when you talk to me.

10 years mommy and I still miss you so very much.

A Taste of 1964

Saturday afternoon I cleaned out my closet, pulled out some clothes that have seen their better days and the ones that don't care for my size anymore.  Traders! 

A while back, I received my mom's wedding dress from her sisters.  There isn't much left of it since it was discovered in the attic of their parent's house but its still her dress and for now I'm holding onto it as I may have something made out of it at a later date.  It has been in a bag in my closet so as I was cleaning it out, I decided I would put it in my hope chest with her veil which is still in very good condition.  Take a look...

I sent this picture to my sister who asked if I was playing dress up.  My reply was of course because we always try things on when we are cleaning stuff out and organizing.  She agreed.   If I could have put her dress on, I totally would have done that as well. Ha!  

Here is my beautiful momma in her gorgeous dress and veil in 1964...

 

A black & white of me just because...

The older I get, the more I hear that I look just like my momma.  

A beautiful compliment indeed.

Happy 4th

I hope y'all have a spectacular 4th of July holiday!!

Special Happy Birthday wishes to my momma in heaven.  

We'll be setting off some fireworks for you later in the evening.  

I love and miss you everyday momma.  

I Miss You A Lot

This pretty much sums up how I felt yesterday and again today, although yesterday I couldn't look at your picture on my desk or say your name without tearing up or choking up.  All I know is that I miss you something awful, more than usual.  You were in my dreams the other night but I can't remember them, I just know you were there.  

I keep your picture on my desk at work.  It sits in a frame that holds a picture of Jace and I.  See, there you are...

I'm sure somewhere in all our albums and picture boxes, there is a picture of us together that is frame worthy, but I haven't found one yet.  The closest is of us on my wedding day and well, that's not happening.  No offense to you Mom.  I think you understand.  I do have this picture that hangs on the refrigerator at home...

You know, when I look at this picture, I can see that Bella is just like me.  Loves her Mommy a whole bunch.  Tony tells me all the time that she is Missy made over but some days I just don't see it because I just don't remember being as prissy as she is.  Other days, its painfully obvious. Ha! 

This is what I do know.  I love you a whole bunch.  I miss you a whole bunch.  I wish every day I could have another day with you. Life can be hard and some days you just need your Momma.  Can you please work on that direct dial to Heaven?

March 31

Maybe today is the reason I couldn't sleep last night?  Its not like I forget what today is, how could I. Nine years.  It's hard to believe that I have survived this long without being able to talk to you whenever I want or get a hug whenever I want.  You are with me always, through the bluebonnets I see in the spring or your recipes I make. And lets not forget the dreams.  I love when you visit me in my dreams.  Always with a message, even when you're mad at me.  You can still put the fear of God in me.  ha!  I never want to disappoint you.  I hope you are proud of what I have accomplished, especially as a single mother.  I miss you every single day and I love you so very much Momma.  Nine years too many.  Love and hugs always, Michaela Anne.

Happy Birthday Momma & Happy 4th of July

Today would have been momma's 74th birthday.  She was the best momma ever.  Even though she isn't with us anymore, she is still teaching me.  I miss this woman every single day and here lately, more than usual.  Now I'm going to sound like a little kid when I say....it just isn't fair.

Y'all have a super 4th of July!!  I hope you get to see some pretty spectacular fireworks!

Y'all have a good one!

Always On My Mind

So many things I still want to ask you. So many conversations I still want to have. So many more moments I want to share.  Just so many more everythings.

8 years too dang many.  I love and miss you every single day Momma....

Happy 4th of July!!

 

And Happy Birthday to my Momma!! 

Y'all have a beautiful day. I hope you get to enjoy some fireworks. 

 

Meltdown

I had a minor to semi-big meltdown Thanksgiving evening, like couldn't catch my breath I was crying so hard type deal.  I just miss my mom so very much.  The holidays just aren't the same without her here.  I miss everything about her and I would love to have just one more day to be able to sit and talk with her, drink coffee, ask her all the things I never did and hug her until she tells me that's enough.  I've got a huge lump in my throat right now just typing this.  My poor children kept asking what was wrong and I told them I just missed their Grammy very much.  Christopher knows that when I get this way that I just need some time to get all the tears out.  He will always give me a hug.  My sweet Bella told me she would take care of me and make it all better.  I hate breaking down around them, but sometimes I just can't keep it in.  I ended up crying myself to sleep that night with Bella laying right beside with her arm laying over me.  I cried harder thinking about how mom would never know her granddaughter and how sweet and giving she is.  Momma loved Christmas...the decorations, the music, the movies, all of it.  Okay...I see where I get it from now (laughing at myself) but its a good thing, right?  I mean, its better than being a total Grinch the entire holiday season.  That just wouldn't be any fun and my momma wouldn't have wanted me to be that way. So I will keep pushing forward, keep finding ways to remember mom in the little things I do knowing that she is with me all the time and keeping an eye out for all of us.  I will smile when I can, but allow the tears to fall when they need to.

Just miss you so very much...........

 

Tonight

Your granddaughter has been talking about you a lot tonight, like she has spent time with you. Has she?

I'm missing you so much tonight momma...and always.

One Proud Momma

While grocery shopping last night, I was watching my son with his little sister.  The sweetness he has with her, how protective he is of her...and how big he has gotten!  The tears welled up and I couldn't help but smile at what an awesome young man he is.  The pride I feel when I look at him and watch him in anything he does. 

He struggles with learning in school, but he never complains.  Most of the time, he gives 100%.  What kid (or adult for that matter) doesn't have lazy days every once in a while.  I know I do!  He has a very creative mind and has the biggest heart.  He's a giver and is probably one of the best friends a kid could have.  I am proud to call him my son, proud that he is an awesome young man, proud that he tries and pushes and says thank you and yes ma'am.

Just like my necklace, I'm one proud momma.

 

Mother's Day

Its no secret that Mother's Day is a hard day for me. 

1.  I miss my son Jace so very much.  I never got to share a Mother's Day with him. 

2.  Its just not the same without my momma here. 

But I try.  As long as I get to spend it with my children, I can get through the day.  My son tries so hard to make the day extra special for me every year, especially now that we are on our own.  Yesterday was no exception.  He sent me to my room once he crawled out of bed.  Bella and I had only been up for a short time, I hadn't even fixed my coffee yet.  So yes, he sent me to my room, without my coffee...but fixed it himself and brought it to me.  A little while later, he and Bella brought me cinnamon rolls and a pretty rose from the garden.  What sweet children I have! 


Look at how so very blessed I am to have such beautiful children.  I am one lucky momma. :)

Remember in my previous post, I talked about trying to re-create this picture of me and momma from way back in 1975...

 

 

Here ya go...its not exactly the same but its close. 

 

 

Loving it.  Gosh I miss you momma. 

 

 

Catching Up

Ok, ok...so I've been MIA for a while.  Only since the latter part of April, that's all.  I've been gone longer before so :P.  that's me sticking my tongue out at you.  hahaha!

Not really anything going on that's keeping me away, I just haven't felt like I had anything to journal about other than my usual frustrations with life in general. 

Since y'all think I'm weird already, I will share this with you.  My mom has been in my dreams a lot recently.  In fact, there were 3 nights in a row she was there.  She hasn't made an appearance in a very long time.  No matter what the dream is about, I am happy when I wake up because I got to see her.  I don't remember a whole lot of details but one dream involved a wedding, one a plane and the other Bella.  In all of them, there was chaos and a mess of stuff going on around us.  Mom was always there.  The plane dream in particular was a bumpy flight, but we made it through it.  I find it funny and strange that momma was on a plane in the dream because that is something she never did while she was with us.  She refused to fly.  Wanted no part of it.  If she couldn't ride in a car or bus, she wasn't going, period.  No discussion. I think my lesson of these dreams is that no matter how rough my life gets, I'm going to be alright in the end, and momma is right there with me every step of the way.

See any resemblance in the pictures below?  I do believe I am going to recreate the top photo as best I can.  I don't know for sure this picture was taken on Mother's Day but it was taken in May of 1975.  I was just a little 3 year old and momma was a beautiful 34 years.  The photo below that one was taken in December last year.  I was 40 and Bella was 3.  I don't realize how much I do look like my mom until I see pictures of her when she was younger.  To me, that's when you can really see it.  :) 

 

 

The garden at home is growing at leaps and bounds.  We had to replant the cucumbers and they are coming up nicely.  The tomatoes are still taller than the sunflowers, the they are catching up and will pass them up very soon.  I have lots of green tomatoes, a few baby green beans and a couple tiny squash. Every time I find something I giggle.  Christopher thinks its cute because I get soooo excited.  Its fun to see your garden grow!

 

 

This picture was taken a couple weeks ago...

And these were taken last week. 

 

Startin' to come together Pepper, startin' to come together! 

(Name that movie!!)

 

In other news, the Ladycats made it to the playoffs again this year.  They had a heckuva time this past series.  They won the first game but lost games 2 and 3 putting them of the playoffs.  Its always so hard but I feel like I cried more tears this year than any other year. 

 

These pictures were taken during the first round of playoffs...

 

Me and two of my favorite nieces, Cori and Mary Beth

 

 

Two of the Ladycats biggest fans, Kenna and Bella

 

 

Plus one more...

Channeling Grammy (Momma) for extra mojo!

 

Pop and Bella...

 

 

Last but not least, I finally got my butt up last night and went walking/running. My legs were burning when I got home but I was proud of myself for finally getting after it.  I've got 10 extra pounds I've been carrying around and I don't like it one bit.  I refuse to buy new clothes that fit when I have a closet full of perfectly fine, albeit too small at the moment, but nothing wrong with them otherwise fine clothes.  Christopher took some pictures of me last night so I could see the before and after results.  I also weighed myself but I'm not sharing those numbers with you because well, its none of your business, that's why :P!!  ha!

 

BEFORE...

Me just being goofy...I made Christopher laugh :)

 

I should have taken a picture of my backside so you could see just how large my ass has gotten.  Its all in my mid-section, God Bless us Vyvial women and our asses and midsections. Anyway, I'm bound and determined to get back down to where I feel more comfortable.  Just not happy with myself right now.

 

I guess that's about it for now.  I am doing a "Dress A Day In May" again.  I only started yesterday since we were hauling stuff for the fishing tournament last week.  I forgot to take pictures yesterday when we got home but I was on it today.  I'll share those in a separate post on DADIM.  Maybe a weekly recap. 

 

Y'all have a good one!

  

Every Day

I miss you like crazy...

I miss our talks...

I miss your hugs...

I miss laughing so hard, we cry...

I miss calling you just because...

I miss your dinners...

I miss finding Bluebonnet stuff just for you...

I miss funnel cakes at the fair...

I miss patio talks...

I miss just you and your daughters hanging out...

I miss that you will never know Bella...

I miss that you can't see what an awesome young man Chris is becoming...

I miss that you aren't the one setting your Easter stuff out, I am...

I miss everything about you...

Its just not the same without you...

It was too soon...

6 years and it doesn't get any easier. 

I love you Momma,

Missy

The Ring

I found it.  The ring I thought I had lost forever.  The ring I thought I had rolled up in a paper towel and tossed away after drying my hands at work.  The ring I thought I had taken off and set down while I put lotion on my hands or had taken off to wash my hands after cooking in the kitchen.  I turned my house/my car/my office upside down several times over trying to find this ring.  I have cried many tears over losing this precious ring.

This ring...was my mother's.

 

My sister and I have several of momma's personal items.  This particular ring she wore a lot, right along with her wedding rings.  I loved this ring.  I had planned on checking into having it possibly sized down a bit but then I lost it.  I was devastated.  Sick.  I cried for a long time. 

 

Its hard to explain how I found it last night without actually showing you, but it had fallen behind a drawer in a jewelry box I have, that also happens to be mommas.  I had to take the drawers out last night to shake loose another ring that had fallen into a different spot.  When I pulled out this one drawer, there was the ring.  The tears were instantaneous.  I walked into Christopher's room bawling like a baby but grinning like a goon.  He knew they were happy tears.  I explained what had happened and showed him how I found the ring.  He was happy for me.  He knows how much momma's personal items mean to me.

 

I can't help but think this is momma's way of telling me things are going to start to turn around. That maybe, just maybe I'm going to find my way out of this fog I'm in, that I'm going to get my head above water and start swimming my way out instead of drowning.  She's given me hope, a lift, just when I thought I couldn't do it any longer.  That's how I'm going to look at this. 

 

Thank you momma for still looking out for me.