And Then This Happened...

Yes, that is MY son with his official drivers license.  He passed his test Friday!!!  While I am super excited for him, I am also a ball of nerves.  Every time he leaves the house, which has only been a handful of times since Friday, I have a lump in my throat and knots in my stomach.  I just about threw up this morning watching him leave for school.  Ugh, this is hard for me.  Much harder than I ever expected.

Before that happened Friday afternoon, this happened in the morning while waiting to see Dr. Patti....

Pure sweetness.  They really do love each other.  Both the children are great, just well check-ups for them both. While Chris and his dad were at DPS taking the test, I decided I would surprise Bella with a trip to the salon for mani/pedis.  As an added bonus, it would help me relax while Chris was taking his test (I was a wreck).  I didn't tell her where we were going, she was just excited to go somewhere! Girlfriend didn't realize until we walked in and took a good look around that we were going to get our nails done.  She was squealing with delight and I was deemed the best mommy ever!!

My girl loves getting her nails done.  She chose yellow for her toes and red for her fingers.  Mine is a pinky peachy color depending on the light.  Its been a while since I've had a manicure and my nails polished, but I have to say, I'm kinda digging it.  I feel purdy.  Ha!

Y'all have a good week!

Did I Mention...

This is also happening....

Oh yes, you are seeing that very well.  That is my son with a driver's permit in hand.

Yep, I know... I died too.

A lot of change going on in our home the last few weeks and I'm not at all certain I'm handling it very well. Most days I think I am but then days like yesterday happen and I'm a bucket full of anxiety as I wait to see my daughter to make sure she made it through her second day of school.  I can tell you the first time this happened....

My heart about popped out of my chest.  He did a great job but I had the biggest lump in my throat the entire hour long drive.  I know it was a mix of "holy hell, my son is driving my car" and "oh my gosh, my baby is really driving" to "please God, let him get us home".  I knew I would not handle this driving thing well at all. My anxiety has been building ever since I signed the boy up for the class.  I finally understand the levels of anxiety, the hours of worry my parents felt every time I left the house by myself when I first began driving.  I get it.  I feel sick now just thinking about it.  Will he pay attention at all times?  Will he leave all that other shit alone in the car and focus on the task at hand?  I now wish we had lived out of town on acreage for me to let him practice driving or taken him to the fairgrounds in town to drive around.  Something, anything.  I should have done more because maybe then, I'd feel a little less anxious when he gets behind the wheel.  

Who am I kidding...I would feel anxious no matter the situation. 

My Car

I'm ready to drive my car off a @#$%^%$ bridge! 

I told my son this morning after turning the radio down to listen to yet another flippin' noise its making (while sitting perfectly still) that I just wanted to cry.  His response was, "I know you do mommy...and I don't blame you.  Everything is breaking...the car, the house...everything".  All my extra funds (little that is) are gone.  Its literally been one thing after another since about October.  Fix the car, replace the stove, fix something else on the car, fix the garage door, fix the car, fix the a/c, now another noise on my beautiful car that I have always loved until recently.  I keep asking "why me?" and God keeps answering, "I'm only making you stronger and giving you what you can handle".  I also keep telling myself that these fixes here and there on a car that's paid in full is better than a car payment every month.  Sometimes I wonder.  There are other little things in the car that have been broke for a while.  CD player quit working 3 years ago, I have 6 cd's stuck in it, two of which are George Strait.  I know!!  The driver side sun visor is somewhat broke.  It won't stay up so I have to keep it down all the time.  Fine for me but when normal size peeps drive my car they get into fights with it.  Material on the side of the front seats has been torn for a while.  Back windows roll down but only I can get them back up.  Had to replace one already.  Oh yes...both speakers sometimes work when you plug in your iPod or other music to play.  Most of the time its just one.   And recently, my center console broke so now it stays open all the time.  Lovely huh.  Its fine if you rest your elbow on it all the time.  Ha!  And now, for the second time, my airbag light is blinking.  I've reset it once.  Guess I need to try again. 

Its all just annoying and frustrating.  And I feel awful venting and complaining when there are far worse events happening all around me.  My complaints are petty, I know this.  But for someone who is trying so very hard as a single mom to make things seem relatively undisturbed in my children's lives, these petty little occurrences sure are making it difficult.  I don't just want things to be okay for them, I want them to be great.  Maybe I expect too much but I don't want my divorce to disrupt their lives anymore than it already has.  They didn't ask for this.  Their lives need to be as close to normal as possible.  I think it is for the most part.  They are happy and healthy, and they are great kids.  I just think they deserve a little bit more from their momma. 

Ok...I'm done.  Thanks for listening to me vent.  I'm ok now.  I'm going to just go with it and try to laugh instead of cry. 

My Princess

 

 

She's mine.  You can't have her.  Go get your own little princess. 

 

I love this picture.  I am going to have a print made and hang it in the house.  I have a picture of Chris when he was a ring bearer that I love already framed.  These babies...I love them so.  Even when they (Bella) have a total and complete meltdown 10 minutes before the wedding starts.  I was beside myself, frantic, out of tricks, treats and promises.  I just wanted her to walk...and walk she did, like a pro in fact.  She was precious.  I was so proud of her.  I'm glad she saved her meltdown for me (and the other girls) in private and showed us her sweet side for all the guests and behaved herself.  Whew!

 

Mommy and daughter

 

When I can remember how to move my pictures from my camera to my computer, I will share some with you because I got some really cute pictures.  Maybe this weekend I can figure that out.

 

Y'all have a good one!

 

Hoping All Will Be Just Fine

I have not slept the last three nights.

I am worried about Bella and this wedding Friday.

Will she get excited about it?

Will I be able to get her down for a nap Friday, or will she be a tired, fussy, whiney 4 year old?

Will she be a precious little princess walking down the aisle or will there be a new youtube video of flower girl screaming down the aisle?

Will her dress be okay?  Will it be too itchy? Will I, at the eleventh hour, find a slip of some kind to wear under her dress? 

I am not having any luck of any sorts lately.  I am worried.  I am stressed.  I am not sleeping. 

But I'm excited for my little girl. This is her first time to be a flower girl.  This will also be her first time to stay in a hotel.  I'm going to make it an adventure for us.  I'm hopeful that all will be just fine.  I am trying to stay positive. 

Thank goodness today is my Friday and I am off work the rest of the week.

Small things people, small things.