Back From Canton...and Back to Reality

We rolled back into town last night about 6:45-7:00.  My babies came home a short few minutes later and I was so happy to see those smiling faces.  They loved seeing all the goodies I brought home for our home.  Not to worry, I will take pictures to share with you, I was just plum tuckered out last night to do anything of the sort.

We had a fun weekend together, laughing, shopping, eating and drinking.  Being with girlfriends is always good therapy.  And while I had a really good time with them, I'm still struggling.  My heart just hasn't caught up with reality. This break-up is more difficult than I imagined it would be.  The reminders of what would have been, our dreams and hopes for the future.  Being in Canton was difficult...he loved doing stuff like this so seeing other couples wasn't painful but more like a sting, like someone poking the wound.  There was a part of me that was hoping I would walk around the corner and see him with someone, so then I'd be pissed off mad and be done.  Boom.  Or would it have added more pain?  It didn't happen so why write about it.  Because I'm trying to get what I'm feeling out because its very hard to explain.  Saturday night I broke.  I held in tears all day and I couldn't anymore, I told Marilee I was going to walk down an aisle to look at something while they were making a purchase.  As soon I turned away, the tears fell. I walked straight to the bathroom, cried in a stall and cursed myself for being so weak.  Even now, the tears are welling up.  I just miss having him in my life, having a go-to person again. When we were together, everything clicked, there were no questions because we knew.  Its when we were apart that we fell apart.  I keep telling myself this is for the best.  My head gets it, but my heart doesn't.  It just hurts. Not just for me...but for us and our children.

I know I can move on, I know I can survive this but right now it is painfully hard. I haven't called him, I haven't texted him, I haven't given in.  I am being strong.

Marilee sent me her devotion this morning and I wanted to share it with you...

"God understands our hearts and knows when we hurt and knows our desires.  Trust that the God who made you for His own blessing plans to fill you with blessings.  His timing isn't ours, but His love is.  In the midst of hurting don't lose sight of the good things he's already blessed us with."

I haven not forgotten the blessings in my life, but I do wonder when my time will come to be happy...

Broken

My heart is sad and broken. The Scott and Missy chapter is over. If I'm being really honest, it has been over for a long time but I couldn't let go without knowing I had done everything I could to make us work.  I ended it last Thursday but he put his stamp on it today in true Scott fashion. I know this is for the best and that I deserve so much more. This will take some time. I loved this man very much. I put so much into this relationship because I thought this was the one.

I am going to move forward and concentrate on me and my children. I have a few things coming up to look forward to so that will help. 

Another lesson learned. 

A Fork In The Road

I'm so glad today is Friday.  This has been a draining week.  Work and personally.  I'm not in a really good place today. Honey and I are not in a good place.  We have come to a point in our relationship where we either figure out how to move forward or go our separate ways.  My head is full of so many questions and thoughts.   I don't know how to even express what I'm feeling.  I cried so much last night that my eyes were swollen this morning.  I'm emotionally exhausted.  I want to run away. Okay, maybe just go away for a couple days because we know I can't leave my babies for too long.  I just want to relax, cry, sleep....just be...have quiet.  Re-evaluate myself because right now I'm questioning everything about myself.  Maybe I'm not a good person. Maybe I do expect too much.  Maybe I have set the bar too high.  Maybe I'm being unreasonable.  Maybe I don't put forth enough effort.  No relationship is easy, they all take work. A relationship that is long distance with children is hard. How do we bring our families together?  At one time, I thought this would happen.  I'm not so sure anymore.      

Making It Work

Relationships are hard work.  Especially long distance relationships.  Kudos to every military family out there and anyone else who is in a long distance relationship.  Honey and I are a mere two hours away from each other but it has been a struggle and more times than not, the source of the arguments between us.  I hate arguing.  Hate it.  Two hours is nothing when you have families oceans and continents apart from each other but when you are both working single parents, the plot most definitely thickens. I want our relationship to work. He and the boys are worth the fight.  I'm too far gone and love him too dang much to walk away now.  It scares me sometimes how in love I am with this man because the reality is, it has been a very short amount of time.  However, at our age (especially mine since he is the young one here) I think you know what you want and don't want in a relationship and also know a lot sooner if a person is right for you and your babies.

When we are together, there is something magical about us and it is a beautiful thing.  I waited a very long time for this man and I'm not about to run away because it gets difficult at times.  Name me one relationship that doesn't?  Friendships included.  It all takes work, constant communication and willing participants wanting to work at it.  Thankfully honey is willing to fight just as hard as I am.  We may butt heads but we always talk it out.

With all that said....I am missing him like crazy and can't wait to see his handsome face again.

All For You

 Mommy had a good day Saturday, and I did all for you my love.  I did have a huge meltdown Friday at work but I made it through with the help of too very sweet friends.  I busied myself the rest of the day and Saturday and that helped a lot.  I also received very sweet messages and phone calls from friends to help me through the day.  My honey came to Palacios that evening to be my date to the Sweetheart Ball in Palacios.  I absolutely love this picture of us, its my favorite so far.  I two-stepped with honey and your Uncle Bryan and danced like a fool with your Aunt Keri and friends.  I had a fun time with them and I'm glad I went.  All for you my love.... 

 

The Greater Plan

Sometimes the greater plan
Is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don't make sense
I can't make it all make sense
So I'm gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

Luke Bryan's song "Drink A Beer" is killing me and comforting me today....

Watch and listen HERE. 

Hug your babies. Hug your hubby. Hug your family. Live it up today. 

Thank you all for your sweet support and kind words.  You help me more than you could possibly know. 

Love to you all....

Jace

I know each year I come here and say the same thing about you and about my struggles this time of year, but one thing never changes...I just miss you so very much son.

It is so hard to explain to others how I feel, how so easily I could just shut down while everything  around me keeps moving.  I pulled this from FB the other day...it sums it up perfectly because there are no words.  Its pain like you've never known...

I can't get my head right this time of year, ever.  I try...oh boy do I try but it never works. I'm a soggy mess for a good two weeks.  You died on a Saturday.  This year's anniversary is on a Saturday.  I am going to be a judge for the Valentine's Day Parade in Palacios Saturday.  I hesitated when I first saw the date but decided that instead of not doing a damn thing all day and allowing myself to dwell on this day, I am going to honor you instead. I know you would want me to stay busy and not think about the worst day of my life.  The day I was forced to say good-bye. The day I held you for the very last time. Even now, 11 years later, as I'm typing this, I have a huge lump in my throat as I'm trying to keep the tears from taking over.  I'm losing this battle.  You were and still are very precious to me son and I hope you know how much Mommy loves you, misses you and how much I fought like hell that day to try and heal you.  I would have done anything for you.  Just know that this year I am going to try my best to smile and have a good day.  I can't promise you tears won't fall but Mommy will do her best just for you my love. 

You are forever and always in my heart son...

Meltdown

I had a minor to semi-big meltdown Thanksgiving evening, like couldn't catch my breath I was crying so hard type deal.  I just miss my mom so very much.  The holidays just aren't the same without her here.  I miss everything about her and I would love to have just one more day to be able to sit and talk with her, drink coffee, ask her all the things I never did and hug her until she tells me that's enough.  I've got a huge lump in my throat right now just typing this.  My poor children kept asking what was wrong and I told them I just missed their Grammy very much.  Christopher knows that when I get this way that I just need some time to get all the tears out.  He will always give me a hug.  My sweet Bella told me she would take care of me and make it all better.  I hate breaking down around them, but sometimes I just can't keep it in.  I ended up crying myself to sleep that night with Bella laying right beside with her arm laying over me.  I cried harder thinking about how mom would never know her granddaughter and how sweet and giving she is.  Momma loved Christmas...the decorations, the music, the movies, all of it.  Okay...I see where I get it from now (laughing at myself) but its a good thing, right?  I mean, its better than being a total Grinch the entire holiday season.  That just wouldn't be any fun and my momma wouldn't have wanted me to be that way. So I will keep pushing forward, keep finding ways to remember mom in the little things I do knowing that she is with me all the time and keeping an eye out for all of us.  I will smile when I can, but allow the tears to fall when they need to.

Just miss you so very much...........

 

My Boy

My boy...you know the one I was ranting about a few weeks ago.  The one that had my stomach in knots, me in tears and worried about not making it through the 7th grade.  Yes, that one.  Well he made it!  Barely pulled through but he did it.  And not before his Uncle Tony had a "come to Jesus" talk (was more like yelling) with him one evening.  I get that he is a teenager and at a stage where he probably doesn't care about school and or anything that's remotely involved with it....but how in the world can I get through to him how important school is and that these are the best years of his life.  Maybe my brother got through to him.  Maybe he was the one who finally did it.  Only time will tell.  I am glad and very thankful he is moving forward but I do worry that next year will be another difficult year.  I pray that I am wrong and that something inside him has snapped already or will snap this summer and he will come out fighting and working his butt off these next 5 years.  I have great expectations for my children.  Doesn't every parent?  For now, I will continue being grateful that he made it and enjoy our time this summer...and wait to worry when I really do need to worry.  Awful big statement there Missy!

This child may cause me to worry and lose sleep but he really is a great kid.  He has one of the biggest hearts I know and is awfully protective of me and his little sister.  He's my bodyguard :). 

Cool dude...

Fresh haircut...

 Minute To Win It at the Popp Reunion...

My little family at the reunion

 

Me and the boy having some fun and

now one of my favorite pictures of us. :))

 

Y'all have a beautiful day!!

Lost It

Last night I had a meltdown and completely lost it.  And before I said or did anything horribly wrong, I locked myself in my room (with a glass of wine) and gave myself a timeout.  My precious Bella came knocking on my door a little while later and asked me if I was still in trouble.  It took everything in me not to laugh out loud because it was so stinkin' cute, but I pulled it together and told her yes and I still had 5 more minutes in timeout.  What I would give to have been inside her sweet head listening to her thoughts at that moment.  I came out later to refill my wine glass, apologize to my kids for screaming and told them I was relaxed now.  I was also in tears (again).  I hadn't planned on watching NBC Nightly News on the tornado in Oklahoma but it pulled me in.  My heart just breaks for everyone in Moore, OK.  So there I sat for 45 minutes listening to story after story of people praying for their lives and the lives of their children while this monster barreled over them.  I can only try to imagine.

One of my biggest fears as a momma is something terrible happening and me not being with my kids.  I have experienced this to some degree once, and I don't care to ever have to go through it again.  The helplessness is unbearable, you can't drive, walk or run fast enough to get to your babies.  As a momma, you want to protect them at all times.

Same goes when they are in school.  You want to do everything you can to help them excel, help them do the best they can do, be the best they can be, get the help they need....and make the grades.

My dear sweet son is struggling in school this year.  So much so that he is in jeopardy of quite possibly not passing the school year.  I have feared this for months.  I have shared my fear with him and his teachers.  From Chris I have heard, "I got this" or "I know"....from his teachers I hear that 7th grade is a tough year and that he is a good student, just sometimes gets lazy (didn't I talk about this just the other day).  I got a letter in the mail yesterday from school confirming my fear and that sent me into orbit.  I have always tried to maintain my coolness because with Chris, if you yell...he shuts down. But no amount of calmness, yelling, taking things away or allowing him to do activities with friends has worked...nothing.  I asked him last night if it would bother him at all being left behind another year, failing and having to repeat 7th grade.  His response was "yes it does".   Well then act like it son because what I'm seeing is someone who doesn't care (as I started crying).  He started to respond with "I know" but he knows I HATE HEARING THAT so he stopped himself.  That was when I left the room and put myself in timeout.

I'm at a loss.  I do not want him to fail but I don't know what else I can do.  I know its on him (this time), he has to do the work, he has to make the effort.  HE has to.  Its not going to be on the school this time.  When he was held back in 1st grade, that was on the school.  They failed him.  Because of miscommunications and protocol for children with suspected dyslexic and learning tendencies, our requests were ignored so he was ignored for an entire school year and forced to repeat the 1st grade.  Only at the beginning of his repeat year was he finally tested and found to not only have dyslexia but other learning disabilities as well.  I'm sharing this with you because Chris is a good student.  He has never used his learning disabilities as an excuse.  Never.  This is the first year he has struggled this much.  I'm doing everything I possibly can to help my child, all but physically going to school and doing the work for him...and believe me, I wish I could at this point!  I think seeing me cry for him last night might have got to him.  I say that because of the look I got when my voice cracked and he saw I was in tears.  I think he saw how much I want to help him, how worried I am for him.  Is this what it took all year for him to know this?  My stomach is in knots.  It took forever for me to truly calm down enough to go to sleep last night. I just want him to get through this year, to pass, to move forward.  And I selfishly asked God to please let him get through this school year, with passing grades and move forward....knowing full well that there are many more prayers being thrown up....prayers that aren't selfish like mine. 

Thanks for listening.

My Car

I'm ready to drive my car off a @#$%^%$ bridge! 

I told my son this morning after turning the radio down to listen to yet another flippin' noise its making (while sitting perfectly still) that I just wanted to cry.  His response was, "I know you do mommy...and I don't blame you.  Everything is breaking...the car, the house...everything".  All my extra funds (little that is) are gone.  Its literally been one thing after another since about October.  Fix the car, replace the stove, fix something else on the car, fix the garage door, fix the car, fix the a/c, now another noise on my beautiful car that I have always loved until recently.  I keep asking "why me?" and God keeps answering, "I'm only making you stronger and giving you what you can handle".  I also keep telling myself that these fixes here and there on a car that's paid in full is better than a car payment every month.  Sometimes I wonder.  There are other little things in the car that have been broke for a while.  CD player quit working 3 years ago, I have 6 cd's stuck in it, two of which are George Strait.  I know!!  The driver side sun visor is somewhat broke.  It won't stay up so I have to keep it down all the time.  Fine for me but when normal size peeps drive my car they get into fights with it.  Material on the side of the front seats has been torn for a while.  Back windows roll down but only I can get them back up.  Had to replace one already.  Oh yes...both speakers sometimes work when you plug in your iPod or other music to play.  Most of the time its just one.   And recently, my center console broke so now it stays open all the time.  Lovely huh.  Its fine if you rest your elbow on it all the time.  Ha!  And now, for the second time, my airbag light is blinking.  I've reset it once.  Guess I need to try again. 

Its all just annoying and frustrating.  And I feel awful venting and complaining when there are far worse events happening all around me.  My complaints are petty, I know this.  But for someone who is trying so very hard as a single mom to make things seem relatively undisturbed in my children's lives, these petty little occurrences sure are making it difficult.  I don't just want things to be okay for them, I want them to be great.  Maybe I expect too much but I don't want my divorce to disrupt their lives anymore than it already has.  They didn't ask for this.  Their lives need to be as close to normal as possible.  I think it is for the most part.  They are happy and healthy, and they are great kids.  I just think they deserve a little bit more from their momma. 

Ok...I'm done.  Thanks for listening to me vent.  I'm ok now.  I'm going to just go with it and try to laugh instead of cry. 

Stuff

My favorite 4 year old managed to successfully delete most of my apps once again.  Didn't get all of them this time but still.  I'm taking it as a sign to re-evaluate what I use and don't use.  Been on the fence about FB for a while now but put it back on.  I'm an avid user of Twitter and Pinterest so those will stay.  She did not delete Instagram but its staying.  I'm on it more than FB.  She deleted most of the games, including a few of hers.  Well...let me rephrase that, she deleted most of HER games because she thinks they are all hers.  She will play rounds of golf, match color blocks and sling angry birds like its nobody's business.  When she clears a level and sees a star, she gets very excited.  I cheer for her and wonder which game she's playing now.  Its all good. Those games have been a lifesaver a time or two.  For me, it was my way of trying to relax, take my mind off of all the crap that has me stressed out and depressed.  Until recently, it was all fine and dandy but as of late, one of my opponents in a game hasn't made it relaxing at all.  This person has been sort of harassing me, constantly sending me messages.  I've reached my limit and don't like it so maybe this was my girl's way of taking care of the problem for me.  Ha!! 

Monday my A/C was finally fixed.  The unit was very low on Freon.  There was a small leak outside but none found upstairs in the attic.  Going to watch it and hope for the best.  That was more money out the door but I keep telling myself it could have been much worse and cost a whole lot more.  Trying to keep it positive but still feel like I need an extra job here lately. 

On this same Monday, I woke up with my left eye matted shut (gunky), swollen, itchy and hurting.  I thought for sure I had pink eye.  After getting the kids off to school and daycare, I called my eye doctor who worked me in.  He said it wasn't pink eye but I do have an infection, just not the contagious kind.  Well that's good. Prescription drops with an antibiotic and I'm good to go.  No contacts for the 5 days I'm doing the drops.  I'm on day 4 and I miss my contacts.  But I will say it has been nice not having to put makeup on every day.  Not sure everyone at work is enjoying it but oh well.  I stay in my office for the most part.  I took these pictures on Day 2 when the infection has moved to my right eye as well.  Not as bad but you can still see how swollen my eyes were.  My niece told me I didn't look very well.  I tend to agree, but I'm looking a lot better on Day 4, trust me.

 

Sorry!  Hope you didn't get too scared!!

   
Cleaned out the garage Sunday and had the broken refrigerator finally hauled off.  That's where the eye doc thinks I picked up something to give me this infection.  I'm sure my shoving a box lid in my eye didn't help either.  But you know what....the garage looks great!  You can see the floor and once that frig came out, the utility room area looks huge now.  Woo Hoo!!

They are remodeling the guest bathrooms on our floor at work.  Oh the drilling!!  It is horrible.  These particular bathrooms back up to the executive offices on our floor so we get the most noise.  Its heard all over but good grief.  We've all gotten to the point of just laughing because every time one of us has to talk or make a phone call, the drilling starts.  Its like they are watching us.  Glad the weekend is nearby.  I'm not gonna miss it.

The rain last night and this morning sure was nice, although I would have enjoyed it a lot more had I got to stay snuggled up with my girl at home.  Christopher even said on the way to school that he was ready for it to rain all day.  I agreed but we then we both said...but when we can stay home!  The garden will surely like all the watering its getting, especially since we just replanted our cucumbers.  I still owe you pictures of the garden I know.  I'll get on it, I promise. 

I guess that's about it for now.  I am doing ok.  I am trying to think positive and quit dwelling on all the negative stuff.  Y'all have a good one!

Woo Hoo, Its Friday

Its Friday and I couldn't be more relieved...and happy.  This week has just been pure hell.

The one and only highlight was finding mom's ring.  It gave me hope but yesterday found me slammed with yet another freaking life obstacle.  I'm still struggling but I have received so much support from family and friends.  Two friends and one family member have really stepped up the support and kick me in my ass the last couple of days.  Reminding me and pointing out all the positives in my life and that I am in fact, not such a bad person at all.  I still think I need my ass kicked a little harder but as I have said many a times, I'm upright, I'm sober and my kids are taken care of.  I'm not in a corner mumbling to myself...yet!

Getting in some more family time Saturday...my Berger side this time.  My cousin Reesa is getting married here in a couple short weeks and my baby girl will be the flower girl (her first gig) in her wedding.  We are going to a shower Saturday so I'll get to see my Aunt and two cousins.  More girl time is always a good thing. 

Sunday I'm going to try my best to make it to Market Days but I also need to spend some time in our garden.  I promise I'll take some pictures to share with you.  Everything is coming up and as Christopher said, "you can really see everything now". 

Hope y'all have a great weekend!