Jace Andrew

Yesterday would have been your 15th birthday my love.  I have no doubt we would have spent the day at the fairgrounds since this is Fair Week.  Your Aunt Cindy texted me yesterday morning saying that she thinks you and Brandon would have been best buds...pool sharking at the fair, doing calf scramble together, and driving the girls crazy because of how good lookin' y'all are.  I have always thought the two of you would be two peas so I agreed with her 100%.  I also think Makenna would be right there with y'all.  Yesterday was not a bad day.  I cried only a few times.  I think having the day to myself was a good thing and very much needed.  I am always thinking about how things would be if you were still here.  How this permanent hole in my heart wouldn't exist, and how differently I would perceive life.  You changed it all.  Much of it was for the better and I consider that my blessing.  I wish I could have learned these lessons in a different manner, but this is the path God sent us on.  I have often said that I didn't ask for this path and it sucks big time, but its the path I'm on and I try very hard to embrace it rather become bitter.  Happy heavenly birthday my love.  I know you had a wonderful day and that Grammy was celebrating with you.  Every second of every minute of every hour of every day, I miss you terribly Jace.  Until we meet again my son, I love you forever and always, Mommy.

The Brightest Star In Heaven

The time is nearing. The time when I got that horrible phone call telling me you weren't breathing well and were taken by ambulance to the hospital.  I don't know the exact time, but I remember it was just after 4:00 and it was Friday.

We were to have your brother's birthday party Sunday, his 4th birthday.  I had gathered and bagged up shredded paper to use at the party.  We were going to hide candy, hot wheels cars and other fun stuff in the paper to make it like a treasure hunt.  The work day was coming to a close and I was ready to leave, get my boys and head home for a fun weekend.

God had other plans.

My chest tightens as that time draws closer to that call.  I can't escape it, no matter how much I try. The flashbacks start.  My body knows the time.

I often wonder how different life would have been had that phone call never came. The lessons I've learned since would have never came. Perhaps in other ways, different times and circumstances.  I would have never known how a parent feels to lose a child or how a broken heart can go on beating once its experienced such a loss.

Life has gone on without you here.  I hate knowing what that feels like.  I hate when this happens to someone else.  No parent should ever have to endure this.  I wish at times I could help them, but truthfully, there's absolutely nothing anyone can do. No words help. No actions help.  Everyone handles loss in their own way and only they can figure out how to manage.

Last year when this date rolled around, my sweet friend Callie gave me a card with this quote,

"The darkest nights produce the brightest stars."  - John Green

She went on to say how blessed I am to always have the brightest of stars glimmering down onto his momma always.

He is my brightest of stars in the Heavens.

I love you Jace....

Mommy

Conversations With My Son

It was his birthday Saturday so I had to go see him.  I went to Walmart to get him some new flowers. I always put together a fall arrangement for him.  He was a fall baby after all.  I got it all together and then paid him a visit.  I sat with him and talked about what was going on, what mommy worries about and how I miss him. I promised him early in the day that I would celebrate him with a smile, and I did...until I came here.  Its hard thinking that he would have been 14, hard because I think he and his cousin Brandon would be two peas and into a lot of mischief.  Hard because I know life would have been so different had he not made that trip to heaven.  Hard just because he is not here and if I want to see him, I have to close my eyes and remember everything I memorized.

Jace Andrew, you are so full of wisdom son.  You remind me always of what is important and what I need to let go of.  You remind me of how strong I truly am and even though I struggle daily, I am doing just fine.  We miss you so much.  Your little sister, who was never able to meet you, thinks of you all the time, remembers you in everything we do and is very quick to remind me I have a third child.  I never forget you son, but sometimes, for the sake of a conversation I don't want to have and selfishness, I say I have two children. Your big brother carries you with him always.  He is not as out spoken as your sister, but he misses you just as much. Always our guardian angel.  We love you.

Happy 14th Birthday Jace!
Mommy

My Love

I'm trying to remember the message you sent me at the first of the year, "Its Okay to Laugh" but I'm having a hard time. This was the day our world was turned upside down. The horrible dream that was unfolding was becoming reality. There were no miracles, no script that could be rewritten to keep you with us. You were destined for Heaven, and there was nothing anyone could do. 

I broke down in the shower Saturday. Just hit me like wave and I was crying uncontrollably. I pulled myself together and no one knew. 

Yesterday, I took out the packet that the hospital gave us after you passed. It has a letter from the hospital, condolences from the staff, literature about grieving & coping with the death of a child, a locket of your hair that I cut and prints of your little hands and feet that I also helped with. I ran my hand across your little prints, closed my eyes and there you were. Every part of you that I spent memorizing in the hospital was there. It made me smile because in that same moment of seeing you, I remembered your sweet baby Jace smell. 

I will no doubt be a little quieter today as I remember the events that unfolded this day 13 years ago. They stay with me. As a momma you want to protect your children and do everything possible to keep them safe. I feel as though I failed you all those years ago and that is something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let go of. I'm so sorry son. I'm probably more overprotective of your brother and sister because of it. I guess in a small way, this is your way of torturing your siblings. Ha! Even gone, you are finding ways into our lives. Keep it coming son. 

I love you & miss you so very much Jace Andrew. My heart will never be the same. 

Mommy 

Message from Heaven

I've already shared this story on Facebook and Instagram but wanted to also share it here.  I had been looking at a book of devotionals by Joyce Meyer online.  I wanted to start 2016 off on a positive note and with my change in attitude I thought reading something inspirational daily would help.  While in LJ last week at Target I decided we would pop into Hastings since it was next door and see if they had the book before I ordered it online.  They didn't have it but I found another book by Joyce Meyer, "New Day, New You".  I open the book to read a couple devotions and happen on this page...

What you probably know from reading my blog is this is the day my son Jace went to Heaven and for a long time after his passing I didn't feel right being happy.  It felt wrong to laugh.  I do believe my son sent me a message last week.  I bought this book instead of ordering the other one and I am enjoying it every day.  My original intention was to begin my day with a devotion but I have not given myself enough time to do that so I have chosen to end my day with one.  Its not the cure to my attitude but it certainly helps.  

As for that attitude adjustment at work.  Yeah well, I had to bite my tongue a few times yesterday but I did pretty good.  Just going to try my best to keep positive and not let the negative vibes get to me. 

Y'all have a good one!  

October 15th

To most people, its just another day on the calendar.  For me, its the day I became a momma again. Its the day you were welcomed to our family.  I had another son.  A sweet boy.

You are 13 today son.  My gosh how time has flown by.  How would we be celebrating your day? Would it be a small party at the fair since we have the cook-off team?  I like to think so.  Just like your cousin Brandon has his parties at the beach house, yours would be at the cook-off.  Fitting I think. I decided I'm going to get you a cake for this evening to celebrate your 13th.  

I've been doing a crappy job at managing my heartache lately.  No awards here for being the strong one because I really suck at it. But I'll tell you son, you still remind me to take time for family, to take time for Chris and Bella.  To not be in such a hurry that we miss out on the little things.  Thank you for that son.

I would give anything to have you here with us.  You are missed and loved by all.  Your momma's heart will never be the same.

I love you Jace Andrew...
Mommy

My Love

You are always in my heart, always on my mind and with me every single day.   I miss you so much and will always love you sweet boy.  Happy 12th Birthday Jace Andrew!

All For You

 Mommy had a good day Saturday, and I did all for you my love.  I did have a huge meltdown Friday at work but I made it through with the help of too very sweet friends.  I busied myself the rest of the day and Saturday and that helped a lot.  I also received very sweet messages and phone calls from friends to help me through the day.  My honey came to Palacios that evening to be my date to the Sweetheart Ball in Palacios.  I absolutely love this picture of us, its my favorite so far.  I two-stepped with honey and your Uncle Bryan and danced like a fool with your Aunt Keri and friends.  I had a fun time with them and I'm glad I went.  All for you my love.... 

 

Jace

I know each year I come here and say the same thing about you and about my struggles this time of year, but one thing never changes...I just miss you so very much son.

It is so hard to explain to others how I feel, how so easily I could just shut down while everything  around me keeps moving.  I pulled this from FB the other day...it sums it up perfectly because there are no words.  Its pain like you've never known...

I can't get my head right this time of year, ever.  I try...oh boy do I try but it never works. I'm a soggy mess for a good two weeks.  You died on a Saturday.  This year's anniversary is on a Saturday.  I am going to be a judge for the Valentine's Day Parade in Palacios Saturday.  I hesitated when I first saw the date but decided that instead of not doing a damn thing all day and allowing myself to dwell on this day, I am going to honor you instead. I know you would want me to stay busy and not think about the worst day of my life.  The day I was forced to say good-bye. The day I held you for the very last time. Even now, 11 years later, as I'm typing this, I have a huge lump in my throat as I'm trying to keep the tears from taking over.  I'm losing this battle.  You were and still are very precious to me son and I hope you know how much Mommy loves you, misses you and how much I fought like hell that day to try and heal you.  I would have done anything for you.  Just know that this year I am going to try my best to smile and have a good day.  I can't promise you tears won't fall but Mommy will do her best just for you my love. 

You are forever and always in my heart son...

October 15, 2002

October 15, 2002 was the day my second son arrived. 

Jace Andrew arrived at 12:03 p.m., just in time for lunch.  Today would have been his 11th birthday.  This year I am struggling.  I miss my son so much it hurts.  It hurts like nothing you've ever known.  But I have decided that in order to help myself through my grief this year, I am going to honor my son by doing one of things he has taught me. I am going to take time for the little things.  Hug my children a little tighter and a little longer.  Tell them and others how much I love them.  Toss out the schedule for a day and just have some fun.  Life every day is a privilege.  No one is guaranteed tomorrow.  You never know when you may get a phone call that will change your life forever so live it up today.  Don't wait for that perfect moment...you may end up waiting forever or lose that chance.  Do it now. 

And now I'm asking you to do the same. In honor of my son's 11th birthday...take time today to do something special that you normally wouldn't do.  Treat yourself and your family to pizza tonight instead of cooking.  Watch a movie together.  Play a game. Anything.  Just toss out the schedule for one night and have some fun.

I miss my son every single day.  But today is his day.  Today I am going to celebrate and honor him.  I hope you will do the same.  Y'all have a good one.

Happy Birthday Jace Andrew!!  Mommy loves you.... 

Ten Years

Every now and again since this date in 2003 I would wonder how I would feel ten years down the road. Would the pain be any less?  Would I miss you any less?  Would I still remember the mini movie of that day in my head as clear as I did the day you left us?  Would the unclear fuzzy moments still be just that or would I suddenly remember what I had blocked out all these years?  Would I still remember what you looked like, how you smelled or how you liked to be held? 

The pain isn't any less...I've just learned to manage it and sometimes I don't manage very well.  I still miss you like crazy, the movie is still clear, the fuzzy moments are just that and I think at times God has kept them that way.  I still know what you looked like, in detail even, because when I knew you weren't going to make it, I began memorizing everything about you...I didn't want to forget.  I can still smell you and I still know how you liked to be held my love.  Not a day goes by that you aren't with me.  I take you everywhere I go. 

I love being around your cousins Makenna and Brandon because for me, I see you. In a small way, its like you're here. I'm not sure anyone could possibly understand that unless they have walked in my shoes. Momma and I could always talk about it. She knew. 

Has it really been ten years since we said good-bye to you?  Ten years since that awful day?  Ten years of an emptiness that can never be replaced.  Five years of folks telling us we should have another baby and after your sister arrived, four years of folks wondering why we waited so long and why there's such a huge gap between your brother and sister.  How does one answer such hard questions? 

I still get mad that you are gone.  Angry that you couldn't stay with us.  I hate the hole that's in my heart.  I would give anything to have one more day with you.  I would shut off the rest of the world and just hold you the entire day. 

I have been restless this week, not sleeping at night.  Its like my body knows what today is.  No matter how hard I try to get my mind straight, I still have a hard time in the days leading up to this day.  The day I held you for the last time, the day I didn't want to let you go, the day I selfishly begged God not to take you from me.  I still question why and I still don't understand but I am moving forward.  Not bitter and not giving up.  I see the things you have taught me in the last ten years and what you taught a whole county the day you made your trip to heaven.  It is a beautiful thing to see how you brought families closer and taught them that all that stuff that seemed so important, can wait. You remind me daily.  

Shortly after you passed away, this song came on the radio. I would cry every time I heard it because it was so true.  I still cry but its comforting.  I remember one instance in particular your Pop had gone out to the cemetary to visit you and take you some fresh flowers.  He got back in his truck, started the truck and this song was just starting to play.  Coincidence?  It got his attention enough to share it with me.  I think you send signs to us all the time, some just don't have their eyes open to them.  I still miss seeing you in my dreams but I understand too, why you aren't there anymore.

I Believe
by Diamond Rio

Every now and then, soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again and it's like
You haven't been gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time are holding you and me

And with all my heart I'm sure, we're closer than we ever were
I don't have to hear or see, I've got all the proof I need
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, oh, I believe

Now when you die, your life goes on
It doesn't end here when you're gone
Every soul is filled with light, it never ends if I'm right
Our love can even reach across eternity
I believe, oh, I believe

Forever, you're a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
I will hold you even longer if I can

Oh, the people who don't see the most
See that I believe in ghosts
And if that makes me crazy, then I am
'Cause I believe, oh I believe

There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, oh I believe

Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again
And I believe

Its hard to believe I took this picture just two short days before you died.  You were so happy that night.  Playing, kicking and talking.  You were so young, had your whole life ahead of you.  You were just a baby. 

Ten years Jace...and I still miss you every single day. 
Mommy