The time is nearing. The time when I got that horrible phone call telling me you weren't breathing well and were taken by ambulance to the hospital. I don't know the exact time, but I remember it was just after 4:00 and it was Friday.
We were to have your brother's birthday party Sunday, his 4th birthday. I had gathered and bagged up shredded paper to use at the party. We were going to hide candy, hot wheels cars and other fun stuff in the paper to make it like a treasure hunt. The work day was coming to a close and I was ready to leave, get my boys and head home for a fun weekend.
God had other plans.
My chest tightens as that time draws closer to that call. I can't escape it, no matter how much I try. The flashbacks start. My body knows the time.
I often wonder how different life would have been had that phone call never came. The lessons I've learned since would have never came. Perhaps in other ways, different times and circumstances. I would have never known how a parent feels to lose a child or how a broken heart can go on beating once its experienced such a loss.
Life has gone on without you here. I hate knowing what that feels like. I hate when this happens to someone else. No parent should ever have to endure this. I wish at times I could help them, but truthfully, there's absolutely nothing anyone can do. No words help. No actions help. Everyone handles loss in their own way and only they can figure out how to manage.
Last year when this date rolled around, my sweet friend Callie gave me a card with this quote,
"The darkest nights produce the brightest stars." - John Green
She went on to say how blessed I am to always have the brightest of stars glimmering down onto his momma always.
He is my brightest of stars in the Heavens.
I love you Jace....
Mommy
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