Ten Years

Every now and again since this date in 2003 I would wonder how I would feel ten years down the road. Would the pain be any less?  Would I miss you any less?  Would I still remember the mini movie of that day in my head as clear as I did the day you left us?  Would the unclear fuzzy moments still be just that or would I suddenly remember what I had blocked out all these years?  Would I still remember what you looked like, how you smelled or how you liked to be held? 

The pain isn't any less...I've just learned to manage it and sometimes I don't manage very well.  I still miss you like crazy, the movie is still clear, the fuzzy moments are just that and I think at times God has kept them that way.  I still know what you looked like, in detail even, because when I knew you weren't going to make it, I began memorizing everything about you...I didn't want to forget.  I can still smell you and I still know how you liked to be held my love.  Not a day goes by that you aren't with me.  I take you everywhere I go. 

I love being around your cousins Makenna and Brandon because for me, I see you. In a small way, its like you're here. I'm not sure anyone could possibly understand that unless they have walked in my shoes. Momma and I could always talk about it. She knew. 

Has it really been ten years since we said good-bye to you?  Ten years since that awful day?  Ten years of an emptiness that can never be replaced.  Five years of folks telling us we should have another baby and after your sister arrived, four years of folks wondering why we waited so long and why there's such a huge gap between your brother and sister.  How does one answer such hard questions? 

I still get mad that you are gone.  Angry that you couldn't stay with us.  I hate the hole that's in my heart.  I would give anything to have one more day with you.  I would shut off the rest of the world and just hold you the entire day. 

I have been restless this week, not sleeping at night.  Its like my body knows what today is.  No matter how hard I try to get my mind straight, I still have a hard time in the days leading up to this day.  The day I held you for the last time, the day I didn't want to let you go, the day I selfishly begged God not to take you from me.  I still question why and I still don't understand but I am moving forward.  Not bitter and not giving up.  I see the things you have taught me in the last ten years and what you taught a whole county the day you made your trip to heaven.  It is a beautiful thing to see how you brought families closer and taught them that all that stuff that seemed so important, can wait. You remind me daily.  

Shortly after you passed away, this song came on the radio. I would cry every time I heard it because it was so true.  I still cry but its comforting.  I remember one instance in particular your Pop had gone out to the cemetary to visit you and take you some fresh flowers.  He got back in his truck, started the truck and this song was just starting to play.  Coincidence?  It got his attention enough to share it with me.  I think you send signs to us all the time, some just don't have their eyes open to them.  I still miss seeing you in my dreams but I understand too, why you aren't there anymore.

I Believe
by Diamond Rio

Every now and then, soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again and it's like
You haven't been gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time are holding you and me

And with all my heart I'm sure, we're closer than we ever were
I don't have to hear or see, I've got all the proof I need
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, oh, I believe

Now when you die, your life goes on
It doesn't end here when you're gone
Every soul is filled with light, it never ends if I'm right
Our love can even reach across eternity
I believe, oh, I believe

Forever, you're a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
I will hold you even longer if I can

Oh, the people who don't see the most
See that I believe in ghosts
And if that makes me crazy, then I am
'Cause I believe, oh I believe

There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, oh I believe

Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again
And I believe

Its hard to believe I took this picture just two short days before you died.  You were so happy that night.  Playing, kicking and talking.  You were so young, had your whole life ahead of you.  You were just a baby. 

Ten years Jace...and I still miss you every single day. 
Mommy