Back From Canton...and Back to Reality

We rolled back into town last night about 6:45-7:00.  My babies came home a short few minutes later and I was so happy to see those smiling faces.  They loved seeing all the goodies I brought home for our home.  Not to worry, I will take pictures to share with you, I was just plum tuckered out last night to do anything of the sort.

We had a fun weekend together, laughing, shopping, eating and drinking.  Being with girlfriends is always good therapy.  And while I had a really good time with them, I'm still struggling.  My heart just hasn't caught up with reality. This break-up is more difficult than I imagined it would be.  The reminders of what would have been, our dreams and hopes for the future.  Being in Canton was difficult...he loved doing stuff like this so seeing other couples wasn't painful but more like a sting, like someone poking the wound.  There was a part of me that was hoping I would walk around the corner and see him with someone, so then I'd be pissed off mad and be done.  Boom.  Or would it have added more pain?  It didn't happen so why write about it.  Because I'm trying to get what I'm feeling out because its very hard to explain.  Saturday night I broke.  I held in tears all day and I couldn't anymore, I told Marilee I was going to walk down an aisle to look at something while they were making a purchase.  As soon I turned away, the tears fell. I walked straight to the bathroom, cried in a stall and cursed myself for being so weak.  Even now, the tears are welling up.  I just miss having him in my life, having a go-to person again. When we were together, everything clicked, there were no questions because we knew.  Its when we were apart that we fell apart.  I keep telling myself this is for the best.  My head gets it, but my heart doesn't.  It just hurts. Not just for me...but for us and our children.

I know I can move on, I know I can survive this but right now it is painfully hard. I haven't called him, I haven't texted him, I haven't given in.  I am being strong.

Marilee sent me her devotion this morning and I wanted to share it with you...

"God understands our hearts and knows when we hurt and knows our desires.  Trust that the God who made you for His own blessing plans to fill you with blessings.  His timing isn't ours, but His love is.  In the midst of hurting don't lose sight of the good things he's already blessed us with."

I haven not forgotten the blessings in my life, but I do wonder when my time will come to be happy...