Lost It

Last night I had a meltdown and completely lost it.  And before I said or did anything horribly wrong, I locked myself in my room (with a glass of wine) and gave myself a timeout.  My precious Bella came knocking on my door a little while later and asked me if I was still in trouble.  It took everything in me not to laugh out loud because it was so stinkin' cute, but I pulled it together and told her yes and I still had 5 more minutes in timeout.  What I would give to have been inside her sweet head listening to her thoughts at that moment.  I came out later to refill my wine glass, apologize to my kids for screaming and told them I was relaxed now.  I was also in tears (again).  I hadn't planned on watching NBC Nightly News on the tornado in Oklahoma but it pulled me in.  My heart just breaks for everyone in Moore, OK.  So there I sat for 45 minutes listening to story after story of people praying for their lives and the lives of their children while this monster barreled over them.  I can only try to imagine.

One of my biggest fears as a momma is something terrible happening and me not being with my kids.  I have experienced this to some degree once, and I don't care to ever have to go through it again.  The helplessness is unbearable, you can't drive, walk or run fast enough to get to your babies.  As a momma, you want to protect them at all times.

Same goes when they are in school.  You want to do everything you can to help them excel, help them do the best they can do, be the best they can be, get the help they need....and make the grades.

My dear sweet son is struggling in school this year.  So much so that he is in jeopardy of quite possibly not passing the school year.  I have feared this for months.  I have shared my fear with him and his teachers.  From Chris I have heard, "I got this" or "I know"....from his teachers I hear that 7th grade is a tough year and that he is a good student, just sometimes gets lazy (didn't I talk about this just the other day).  I got a letter in the mail yesterday from school confirming my fear and that sent me into orbit.  I have always tried to maintain my coolness because with Chris, if you yell...he shuts down. But no amount of calmness, yelling, taking things away or allowing him to do activities with friends has worked...nothing.  I asked him last night if it would bother him at all being left behind another year, failing and having to repeat 7th grade.  His response was "yes it does".   Well then act like it son because what I'm seeing is someone who doesn't care (as I started crying).  He started to respond with "I know" but he knows I HATE HEARING THAT so he stopped himself.  That was when I left the room and put myself in timeout.

I'm at a loss.  I do not want him to fail but I don't know what else I can do.  I know its on him (this time), he has to do the work, he has to make the effort.  HE has to.  Its not going to be on the school this time.  When he was held back in 1st grade, that was on the school.  They failed him.  Because of miscommunications and protocol for children with suspected dyslexic and learning tendencies, our requests were ignored so he was ignored for an entire school year and forced to repeat the 1st grade.  Only at the beginning of his repeat year was he finally tested and found to not only have dyslexia but other learning disabilities as well.  I'm sharing this with you because Chris is a good student.  He has never used his learning disabilities as an excuse.  Never.  This is the first year he has struggled this much.  I'm doing everything I possibly can to help my child, all but physically going to school and doing the work for him...and believe me, I wish I could at this point!  I think seeing me cry for him last night might have got to him.  I say that because of the look I got when my voice cracked and he saw I was in tears.  I think he saw how much I want to help him, how worried I am for him.  Is this what it took all year for him to know this?  My stomach is in knots.  It took forever for me to truly calm down enough to go to sleep last night. I just want him to get through this year, to pass, to move forward.  And I selfishly asked God to please let him get through this school year, with passing grades and move forward....knowing full well that there are many more prayers being thrown up....prayers that aren't selfish like mine. 

Thanks for listening.