Still Discovering Me

I told myself I wasn't going to go here but I'm doing it anyway.  I want to see how far I've come in the two years post my divorce and the start of my new life and what I still lack.  When I think back to that time, I remember feeling relieved when the day finally arrived.  I wasn't happy by any means, just relieved it was finally over and done with.  I remember in the initial days of realizing what Jeff wanted, I was so desperate to find a way to make things work, so desperate to hold onto my family that I would have done anything to keep us together and then praying for God to take the pain away and skip time forward six months so I wouldn't have to feel this pain.  Laughing when that six month mark arrived faster than I expected and even then seeing how far I had come, how my heart didn't ache as much as it did before.  My divorce has been relatively easy compared to others I have bared witness to.  We made a conscious decision together to make every effort to get along for our kids because we both still have to raise them and neither of these precious babies asked for what had been dealt their way.  Jeff and I do get along, we are friends or I like to think we are friends.  He has found a wonderful lady (Lori) and has moved on with his life.  They will be married and my children will have a new step mom.  I'm ok with this because she is a good person and more importantly, she is good to my children and my children love her.  Isn't this what we hope for when we divorce and our ex finds someone new?  Ok well maybe not everyone but its what I eventually hoped for when I knew I had to move on.  I wish Jeff and Lori nothing but the best.  I hope they both have found what was missing in their marriages before. 

It wasn't just Jeff that wasn't happy, it was me too.  I know that now and its helping me to understand myself better, and to know what I want and don't want in any future relationships.  I'm still so hard on myself and I still struggle with self worth.  I'm not sure how to get around this.  Part of me feels like there is no way to get around it, that it will always be a part of who I am.  Deep down, I do hope and wish that one day I will feel worthy again because I know at one time during my 40+ years of life, I did.  Just need to find where I buried it.

My kids are happy and healthy.  They have adjusted to this new life better than I ever expected them to.  Bella had some rough first visits with her daddy but then she was just a baby.  She has really been doing well and understands more than I give her credit for.  She is a smart 3 year old.  I do explain things honestly in the best way I know how when she asks questions.  I do the same with Christopher.  That child has handled everything way better than I ever hoped. I really worried about how he would react to the divorce.  Worried he would withdraw from everything around him, but he didn't.  He took a very mature attitude towards it.  He didn't like it by any means but I heard him say many times, "it happens and its happened to my parents.  They don't love me or my sister any less, they just aren't going to be married and live together anymore".  Keep in mind, he was only 10 when this happened.  His grades at school didn't suffer, he pressed on and kept being the great kid that he's always been.  I'm not saying that my kids didn't have bad moments because they did, but for the most part, they have done exceptionally well.  I'm proud of them for that.  I'm proud of me and Jeff for helping them to adjust and not creating drama and havoc in their little lives. 

So yes, I think I'm still moving forward, maybe a little awkward and trying at times but I'm moving.  I think I have come a long way from that dreary day in December when I was "Blindsided".  I can say this now without reservation, my divorce was the best thing that happened to me.  Yes its tough, yes it sucks but looking back at where I was and who I was, I'm in a much better place now and still discovering me.