Grief

I had no idea I could still get into my blog. I thought I would try this morning as I sit here on the one year anniversary of your passing. I’m full of so much emotion. It’s a year later but the weight and absence of you  is still very much felt. Some days  it’s so heavy and have no idea how I’m going to get through that very moment. Some days I handle it with grace and push through with the strength my mom had. There have been a lot of firsts this year without you with still so many more to come. There have been countless times I have reached for my phone to call you or text you about something that has happened to only realize you wouldn’t be on the other end. This year has been eye opening, in ways I never expected. I still don’t know why you had to leave us so soon and still have so many questions that will probably never be answered. All things that I have to figure out how to live with and all things I have struggled with. I still have so much to work through. Your death has destroyed me in ways that have been very different from losing Jace and Mom. My heart and soul are broken and I’m not sure I will ever be close to the happiness I had with you. Death changes you, this I know, but this one has rattled me in ways I didn’t know were possible. You were the love of my life, my best friend and soulmate. Bella and I spent the day in Galveston missing you, loving you and celebrating you. I had a Bloody Mary in your honor, it was good but not Scott Collier good. Live music, drinks, outdoors and good company. Something you would have loved. My heart aches thinking about you and missing you. I still don’t know how to do life without, you are in every thought, every decision, every second of every minute of every day. I don’t know how to turn that off. You are so very loved and missed terribly. I keep trying every day to push forward, I get up and move through the days. I work through my guilt, although that seems to be harder than expected. I struggle every day trying to understand all the things and how to let go of the ones that take me to dark places that crumble me for days. Grief is so very cruel. It can beat you up for days and hit you with multiple waves. It can also show the most beautiful memories and make your heart smile. I love you so much, my love. I miss you terribly and wish that my love and tears could bring you back home. I know heaven is a far better place, where you no longer struggle and get to fish and play golf every day, but damn, I wish you could do that here. Until we meet again, love you forever, your Sugar.