Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Family Is Forever

I have often stated that I have the best family.  I believe that and will argue with you if you think differently.  And I don't just mean my immediate family, I mean my cousins, aunts, uncles and outlaws as well.  I have yet to find another family who is as tight knit as we are. 

Last week, tragedy struck my Kacer cousins on my mom's side of the family.  Uncle A.J. was working in the field like any other day. He was alone and that was normal. But unfortunately an accident happened.  We will never know the exact details of the accident, just that at some point he was runover by the tractor and dragged.  Gone.

What I love about my family is that in the face of tragedy, we come together in a strong band. We were all there, supporting and helping in any way we could, even if it was just to listen.  Sometimes they needed to be told to eat or lay down to rest.  Sometimes it was just a hug.  It didn't matter what we had going, our world stopped to help them in their time of need.  Its always been that way and I can't imagine it being any other way.

I didn''t have the convenience of growing up in the same town as my cousins the way my kids and their cousins do now.  Summer vacations for me were spent house hopping from one cousin's house to another and then to my grandma and grandpa's house. My brothers would spend summers at the Kacers working in the fields with Uncle A.J.  Some of my best memories are of summers spent with them.  As we got older, we started running the roads together and eventually graduated high school and went off to college.  But through boyfriends, girlfriends, marriages, babies, divorces, triumphs and heartaches, we've always stayed in touch and always been there.

Understandably, my cousins are all having a difficult time with their loss.  They weren't expecting it. So many "what ifs" and "if I had only"...so many unknowns.  I think the unknowns can be harder on you. Here one day, gone the next.  No warnings.  That's tough.  I've always said, life can change in an instant.  I hate that my cousins and I have that sudden loss in common now but on the flip side of that, I can help them with what I have learned.  I told Diane and Rhonda both the other day, I get comfort in knowing Uncle A.J. died doing what he loved and didn't have to go through what Mom did.  Its okay to cry, even when its unexpected.  You have to get it out and not keep it inside.  It does more harm than good when you don't let it out.  And just like so many wise friends and family of mine have said to me many times, you are stronger than you think you are and you will survive. 

Cousins Forever...Dina, Diane and Me

Me and Tony

Me and Diane


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

From The Beach

My loves...

Brotherly love...

Crazy cousins...

My brotherly love...at least they didn't turn me upside down!

Golf cart fun... 

Me and my loves...

My handsome and much taller boy...

Me and my beautiful girl...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I'm Paper Too

Yes, yes...we're back from the beach, back from vacation and back to work which sucks worse than you can imagine.  Yesterday and today have been awful, not to mention I haven't been able to go to sleep at a decent hour the last couple nights so I'm dragging big time in the morning.  First night..after 3 a.m.  Second night...after 12 a.m.  Just restless with a ton of crap running through my mind.  Never-ending battle with me.  I will post pictures from our week at the beach later.  For now, I want to share something else with you.

A couple days ago after we were home, Bella comes to me saying she can't find her "smarkers", aka "markers" and wants to color with them on her coloring pad.  We look, can't find where she has put them (or where Mommy put them) so I produce a packet of markers I had put away a while back.  Give her the instructions that she is to only color on the paper, not the furniture, herself or anything else.  I hear "yes ma'am" and go crawl back in bed.  I was sick with a horrible stomach bug my sister gave me.  I've told her thank you a million times and she's said I'm sorry a million and one times.  Horribly nasty stuff.  Anyway, for 2 days Bella colors without getting smarkers on anything but the paper, a little on her fingers but that's it...until last night.  She announces after dinner she is going to color a picture for her Daddy.  Fine by me.  I have stuff to do around the house so we both go our separate ways.  A little while later, I'm in my room hanging clothes up in the closet when I hear Bella come in and say, "Mommy I can't get this off, it won't come off".  I peek around the closet door to see her holding her arm out rubbing it like crazy and find this...

A little how the conversation went from there...

Me:  oh my
Bella:  I can't get it off Mommy
Me:  I bet not.  Why did you color on yourself?
Bella: Because
Me:  Because why?  Did you eat it too?
Bella:  Uh huh
Me:  Where are you supposed to color markers?
Bella:  On paper
Me:  Are you paper too? 
Bella:  Yes
Me:  Oh wow, I had no idea.  Why did you color yourself?
Bella:  Because I had to.

We were getting nowhere so I told her to look at me and the big brown puppy dog eyes looked up with a sad face and the big bad wolf said, "Don't color on yourself again. We only color on paper.  Do you understand me?"  And the pitiful little voice said "yes ma'am".  I wasn't yelling but I was firm.  Really it was hard not to laugh but I had to be strong and fierce and let her know we don't color on ourselves even though Mommy has a tattoo on her foot and uses a permanent marker to draw a tattoo on Bella's foot all the time (thanks for that idea Neil).  You still only color on paper.
Now, it could have been much worse.  There could have been markers all over the furniture, walls, more on her but there wasn't. I'm not going to lie, after I put her in the tub I walked very slowly to the living room with one eye shut and the face you make when you know you're going to see something bad (yeah that one), but to my surprise the crime scene was clean, well except for the paper that had been colored on.  And I did find one paper that had dots all over it.  She must have been beating the heck out of the markers on paper because the tips had been shoved into the case.  I quietly gathered all of them up and tossed them in the trash. No more markers for now.  No tips! 

By the way, the markers washed off in the tub with soap and water and a little scrubbing.  Mouth was a little more difficult but after I brushed her teeth, she was all sparkles again.

Ah, the adventures with a 3-year old.  :)

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Born On The Fourth Of July

Happy Birthday Momma!!

I wore my gold shoes in honor of your birthday today. I also wore your Grammy bracelet and a pair of your earrings. Something about wearing a piece of your jewelry always makes me feel like a part of you is with us, but deep down I know your always there.  I also made your potato salad.  Did it completely on my own this time.  No tasters. Tony said it was awful and then handed me a big tupperware bowl for leftovers so I know I did good :).  Its not yours but I think you'd be proud at how close I am to it.

I sure wish you were still with us to celebrate the 4th.  It was always extra special because it was your birthday as well.  Loved making cakes in red, white and blue and giving you gifts of the same nature.  You never seemed to tire of it, at least you never let us know if you did. 

As usual, Tony and the boys had some pretty tasty BBQ for us yesterday.  Those grandsons of yours are getting pretty good at it.  They keep saying they're going to takeover the cook-off team one day.  I think it might be sooner than later ;). I love this picture of the boys doing their thing, but that wink from Brandon makes you wonder if you can trust them.  LOL!!

It was a good day altogether but not the same without you.  I hope we're doing you proud momma.  I know sometimes we may not always make the best decisions but at the time, it seems like we are.  

I'll leave you with some pictures of me with my babies.  They are growing so fast mom.  I try so hard not to blink but some days I look at them and think someone comes in at night while they're sleeping and sprinkles fertilizer on them.  


We love and miss you so much momma.  I hope the fireworks were to your liking again this year.  I always insist the USA go all out for you ;). 

Monday, July 2, 2012

A Hot Mess

I decided I needed to talk about how I have been feeling lately.  I was thinking last night that maybe I need to get away and get my head straight.  I have a beachy vacation coming up with family in a short 4 days but I'm not sure its exactly what I need for myself.  As of late, I am snappy with the kids, my patience is almost non-existent and I'm bitchy.  All the things I don't like to be.  Maybe its this horribly hot weather making me irritable...and all the friggin' mosquitoes!  I love my kids more than anything but some days I just want to lock myself in a closet and not answer to mommy or anything else for that matter.  And let me say, I do take medication and have for a long time and it helps, but I have often wondered if it needs to be increased. Most definitely something I will bring up with my doctor at my next visit if I'm still having issues. I'm either a raging lunatic or a sobbing mess. Sometimes both and Lord help us all if you get both.  I'm laughing about all this now but I know my kids don't think its funny or anyone else who comes in contact with the lunatic.  I was just apologizing to my son yesterday for being so short with him and Bella lately.  He's so sweet saying its okay.  Its not okay. I should have more patience.  I have just felt very overwhelmed these last few weeks.  I've got to find my happy place again and quit letting it slip away.  Was chatting with a friend last night and she agreed that I should try to do more things that I love and in return it will help lift my spirits. I have to try for my kids because they don't deserve a bitchy hot mess of a mom, although I do think its good for them to see the snarling, snappy, don't even think about it mom every now and again.  ;)

Thanks for listening.