Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Creepers In My Head

Just some things that are creeping around in my head...

My daughter's ears. Checkup today revealed she has a lot of fluid in her ears resulting in 30% hearing loss in both ears.  You wouldn't know it.  Go back in three months to check fluid.  If its not any better, she'll get medicine or we'll do tubes again.  My poor girl.

How a 13 year boy can be a bottomless pit.  When I see the amounts of food this child is eating, I think he has got to be full, stuffed or miserable...but he is not.  Instead he finds something else to eat.  Amazes me.

Flowers for my flowerbeds at the house. I'm so ready to get outside and plant some things. Also want to make a new bed in the back forty. Lots of ideas for my yard. Can't wait to see it all come together.

Why/how I am continually slap upside the head with stuff I didn't know.  Mind boggling, dumbfounded stuff.  Why these people continually do this to me and why I continually allow them and others to hurt me is something I'm still trying to understand.  When is it that I will learn my lesson?  I'm not one to just walk away when things get tough.  I fight.  I adjust.  I cope.  Maybe not always in the best way or the most graceful way but I handle it.  Do I tolerate too much?  Maybe.  But I don't see what walking away or turning my back on someone would accomplish either.  Guess I'm just that person and because of that, the above will continue to happen.  Thinking I also just answered my own question. 

What kind of mower should I get?  What do I need?  I looked online to get ideas and there were too many to choose from.  Its ridiculous.  I want to go to the store armed with information so the guys selling them don't try to sell me something I don't need.  At that moment, I didn't like being a single mom having to pick a mower out.  So I'm having to ask my daddy and brother for some help.  (Don't like doing that)

I want to cover my back patio.  There are no gutters on my house so when its rains, water pours off the roof and splashes all over the door frames.  Not good for the wood, will eventually rot it out.  So I either need to get gutters or I need to put up a cover.  I prefer the cover but it may have to be gutters for now.  Need them in the front as well. Portion by the front door that gets hammered by water coming off the roof.  Would love to have one of those decorative container thingies that catches the rain water so you can reuse it to water your plants, etc. Always liked those.

Miscellaneous other things swarming through my head as well...list on the frig of things that need to be done around the house, tools, Cutter, laundry, grout, groceries, meals, softball, grades, money, bills, vacations....I could keep going.  It probably looks like the matrix in my head with all the stuff that creeps through.  :) 

Hope you are having a great February 29th. 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Play In The Dirt

I so got to play in the dirt yesterday!  Felt good to get outside and work in the yard. Cleaned up my flowerbeds and got some ideas on what I want to add to them.  Daddy also stopped by to help me identify some plants I had never seen before.  Looks better out there but still some work to do.  I wasn't the only one with the fever...saw a lot of my neighbors off for President's Day working in their yards as well.  We all were excited about the rain staying away long enough to get outside.  

Now...I just need to shop for a mower so I can be ready for that grass cutting.  I can smell it now.  :) 

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Ready for a long weekend.

Ready to hang, organize and throw out more stuff.

Ready to laugh until I cry, my sides hurt and I can't breathe. (Those are the best)

Ready to try another something new.

Ready for warmer weather, nice weather.  (Yes you read that right)

Ready to work in the yard.

Ready to get my hands in the dirt.

But its supposed to rain a lot so there will be no hands in the dirt, only mud.  Guess I could make mud pies like I did when I was little.  Play in the rain.  Hmm...let me re-think this weekend.  :)   Watch a movie that makes me laugh until I cry, cook something new...oh the possibilities. 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

What I've Learned and What I Still Can't Grasp

Here's the thing about turning's just a number.  The number doesn't bother me.  You're only as old as you make yourself and I don't feel forty.  To quote King George in his song Troubadour...

I still feel twenty-five
most of the time
I still raise a little cain with the boys

And I do...might take me a little while to get moving the next day and the recovery a little longer but I can still do it. This is what bothers me. I never expected to be at this place in my life of having to start over, of having to find myself again, of trying to figure out how to be happy again.  I never expected it to be this hard and I really didn't expect to still feel so alone and lost at times.  I am very naive when it comes to life and more.  I was always believed the notion that bad things happen to other people, not me.  My 30s proved that theory wrong several times.  I had good moments; heck great moments even but the bad and horrible far outweighed the good so the Oscar for my 30s goes to the bad. The thing about divorce is it takes so much from you.  You don't just lose a marriage, a partner and a life you built with someone else, you also lose pieces of you.  I have always struggled with self-confidence.  Divorce shattered what little I had and I have found myself still struggling with that but also struggling with self-worth.  Who will want me?  This single mom with two kids who can't even figure out what light bulb she needs for the kitchen.  She wasn't good enough for the ex, why would she be good enough for anyone else.  You see how I think.  I have always been shy...painfully shy.  I don't talk much or ask questions because I don't want to be made fun of for not knowing the answer or saying the wrong thing.  I smile, laugh or just stay quiet.  That's how I handle it. Sometimes I might pick right back but its rare, especially if I don't know you. People mistake my shyness for being a snob.  Soooo far from.  If they only knew how hard it truly is for me, that most of the time I feel like an idiot and I know absolutely nothing.  Compliments are even hard for me to accept but I'm learning to accept and say thank you.  On the flip side of being shy, when you do get to know me you get to see me...the funny side, the smart-ass side, the laugh until you cry and then start snorting side, the goofy side, the I feel like I'm a kid again side, the perfectionist side, the so mad I cry and cuss side, the dance with music while I'm cooking side, the passionate side.  You learn that for a pint-sized gal I care big, support big, love big and get mad big.  When you get a piece of my heart, you get it for life.  I sometimes wish I was one of those people who could start out not trusting people.  That way you would have to earn my trust and I would never get hurt if you were to do something stupid and my heart would always be protected.  But I've never been that way.

The thing about going through a divorce and starting over in a small town you've lived in all your life is that everyone thinks they know your business or wants to be in your business whether you allow it or not. I've never adjusted to the way things are made up, twisted and turned around to make a relatively boring true story a better story for sake of gossip. One can be innocent and not the bad guy but with a few twists...turned into the bad guy. I've never been a vindictive person and I don't play games. It doesn't interest me. I'm a straight shooter, no BS here. There are always two sides to every story and unless you know both or have lived and experienced that story first-hand, you never truly know the real story. Things are never what they seem if you're just seeing it from the outside.

From tragedy, I've learned that you have to live life to the fullest every single day.  If you have the means and the opportunities, take them now.  Don't wait for a better day or when the time is right.  If you wait, you will miss out on so many great things and those opportunities will be gone.  I've learned that no matter how hard you try to protect your heart, its still gonna get nicked but if you take a chance and open up, what you find can be so rewarding.

From having a 3 year old who is quite different from her big brother I've learned that if she's quiet, you better check on her quick or something will be a mess when you do find her.  That when she says "uh oh mommy" there really is an "uh oh".  That lip gloss, A&D ointment, yogurt, gravy and ranch really don't hurt your skin and possibly do give it a nice healthy glow.  From having a teenager, I've learned that just because he is answering questions via text or verbally on the phone does not mean everything he is saying/hearing is registering with him.  You must converse with him in person looking you in the eyes and not playing video games. I've also learned that a 13 year old boy really can eat you out of house and home.  

I know this post has been all over the place but I wanted to get my thoughts down about what I've learned, what I haven't grasped yet and what I still just don't get which is most everything.  My goal for my 40s, as it always has been, is to leave all the bad in the past where it belongs and not look back at what could have been. I am the worst at looking back thinking if I had done this instead of that, maybe this would have happened.  I know you can't "what if" it every day and you certainly can't over-think situations.  You'll eat yourself up and create problems that didn't exist in the first place.  I am so guilty of doing that but I'm learning. Learning to look forward to the new possibilities, new beginnings, new starts, new me and try to let the small town crap roll off my shoulders.  That's a lot easier said than done.  I know this journey isn't going to be an easy one and I feel like I still have some hard roads ahead of me but I'm going to try my best to keep a positive attitude  and remember the grace my grandmothers and my mom taught me.  In the face of tragedy, in the face of all the piss and vinegar that's shot in my direction, I will try to keep it from bringing me down and not let the Missy that once existed disappear forever.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Official Teenager In My House


I can't believe this handsome young man is a teenager. 

Where in the heck has the time gone?!?  I guarantee you it happened when I blinked...and I try so very hard not to blink.  This sweet boy young man took his sweet time arriving 13 years ago.  We were talking about it last night...he told me I had made such a good home for him in my belly he didn't want to leave.  So sweet. And he really is a sweet kid.  A good kid.  He's an awesome big brother and pretty cool friend to have.  His heart is so big and full of love, couldn't ask for someone for caring.  He loves to play golf, shoot the hoops, toss a football, play Xbox, shoot his gun, fish and is learning about paintball thanks to his buds Jordan and McGwire.  He is a crafty little stinker and loves to learn how to do new things.  His taste in foods is starting to come around and I see him willing to try more new things.  Again, at his own pace, but he gives it a whirl every now and then.  Loves to BBQ with his Uncle Tony and cook in the kitchen...whittle wood with Uncle Mike and dig in the garden with his cousins.  And he STILL calls me mommy, gives me hugs and kisses when I need them most and will snuggle with me from time to time.

I really do love this kid more than my luggage!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Never Easy

This week never gets easier and I wish it would because I am always a roller coaster of emotions the entire time.  I can feel the anxiety building up each and every year.  Still have moments I can't breathe and I cry at the drop of a hat because I miss you so much.  Heaven is the lucky one but mommy sure wishes she could have one last day with you.  I can still smell you and remember what it was like to hold and rock you.  9 years Jace...and it still hurts as much as it did the day I said good-bye.

Monday, February 6, 2012

I Inspire...really?

I inspire people.  Well at least two.  Second time in a matter of weeks I have heard this.  Both times brought me to tears because I quite honestly don't know what I do to inspire anyone.

I was told this morning its my attitude.  Always postive.  Always taking the high road no matter what pile of shit has been dealt on my plate.  Never the bitch. 

If only they knew how hard it is sometimes.  How there are days I'd rather shut everyone and everything out and just be in my own world.  No worries.  But I don't.  I saddle up and hang on even when its by a thread.

And try like hell to remember to be graceful.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Marilyn Inspired

Today's inspiration is brought to you by Marilyn Monroe. 

I came across this quote on Pinterest today...

"So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

And I do have plenty to smile about.  Need to remember to relax more, have fun and enjoy the ride.  Not let so many nasty things bring me down.   Trying to please everyone takes its toll on someone who is a people pleaser and likes to keep everyone happy.  At some point in my life, I need to let that go, realizing and understanding, its just not possible all the time.