All For You

 Mommy had a good day Saturday, and I did all for you my love.  I did have a huge meltdown Friday at work but I made it through with the help of too very sweet friends.  I busied myself the rest of the day and Saturday and that helped a lot.  I also received very sweet messages and phone calls from friends to help me through the day.  My honey came to Palacios that evening to be my date to the Sweetheart Ball in Palacios.  I absolutely love this picture of us, its my favorite so far.  I two-stepped with honey and your Uncle Bryan and danced like a fool with your Aunt Keri and friends.  I had a fun time with them and I'm glad I went.  All for you my love.... 

 

Christopher Michael Turns 15

How is it possible that I have a 15 year old?  You were just born yesterday! 

My sweet baby boy....truly love at first sight...

You finally arrived at 4:24 in the morning.  I say finally because you took your sweet time getting here.  Mommy tried for a long 4.5 hours to get you here but you were just a pound too big for me.  They knocked me out fairly quickly after you arrived because I was in a lot of pain so I didn't even get to see you, but I heard your announcement.  We knew ahead of time you would be born with a fever.  Mommy developed one while I was laboring with you so you went straight to the NICU for what seemed like forever to a new Mommy.  I didn't get to meet you until the evening time.  Your Daddy and I had two names chosen for you but I refused to name you until I saw you.  He kept telling me you were a Christopher but I wanted to see you.  I couldn't go to the NICU because of my cesarean so your Daddy decided he was going to videotape you so I could see you and name you.  About the time he went to the NICU, you were upgraded to the general nursery, which meant you could come to my room for a few hours.  You were just the sweetest and tiniest little thing I had ever held and I fell in love with you instantly, and oh my goodness...you were a Christopher!!  I had been around babies all my life, held them, fed them, changed diapers, etc. but this was new.  You were mine, all mine.  My responsibility.  Holy crap, what was I thinking?  I found out two days later on what would be my 27th birthday. 

You were in the nursery and I was in my room settling down for the night when I hear this over the intercom in my room..."CODE BLUE, GENERAL NURSERY, COLD BLUE, GENERAL NURSERY".  Now let's keep a couple few things in mind here...

1. I'm a brand new mommy.
2. I had an emergency cesarean.
3. I'm a brand new mommy.
4. I still had my staples.
5. I'm a brand new mommy.
6. I was all alone.
7. I'm a brand new mommy.
8. I still wasn't moving around very well.
9. I'm a brand new mommy.
10. You were previously in the NICU.
11. I'm a brand new mommy.
12. I FREAKED OUT!!

Not only did I somehow jump out of my bed but I sprinted all the way to the nursery, which was on the other end of the hallway.  Tears streaming down my face and people looking at me like I was a mad woman, I was met at the nursery door by my nurse with me hollering, is that my baby?...is my son ok?...what's happening?  is Christopher ok?  Please tell me he's ok!!  Bless her heart, she couldn't understand how I knew there was something going on but she was quick to calm me down and assure me he was ok. She even had another nurse bring Christopher to me so I could see he was indeed, just fine. So were all the other babies.  As she was taking me back to my room, I told her what happened and all she could do was apologize a million times and then say, girl....you are going to be HURTING!!  Still not sure if they ever figured out how the code blue came over the intercom in my room.  Needless to say, my sweet nurse put me back in bed and gave me extra pain meds to help me sleep. :)  The point to all of this is I found out that night that God entrusted you to me as your protector and your teacher.  I knew in the moments I was running to you, I would do anything to protect you and take care of you.  I was given the gift of being a Mommy and I would embrace it.      

Look at you now....so stinkin' handsome!!

My gosh how the time has flown by and now you are 15 years old.  I am amazed more and more every day at how fast you are growing up.  You had a lot of hard life lessons very early, but I honestly believe that like your Mommy, you are a better person for it.  My goodness child, you will start driving this year and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  I mean, I am...but I'm not.  I am scared to death of letting you go by yourself.  Thank goodness I still have some time to adjust to that thought.  I take back all the times your Pop and Grammy worried about me being on the roads.  I'M SO SORRY!!!  I really think God just sits back and laughs at all the kids when they grow up and become parents because I feel like we worry so much more than our parents did.  Ha...I already feel bad for you because you know how much I worry about everything!!  Damn...its gonna suck for you son.

You are an awesome kid.  Your heart is so kind and considerate and loving.  You make me proud every single day.  I'm proud to call you my son.

Happy 15th Birthday Monkey!  I love you to the moon and back and then some! 

The Greater Plan

Sometimes the greater plan
Is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don't make sense
I can't make it all make sense
So I'm gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

Luke Bryan's song "Drink A Beer" is killing me and comforting me today....

Watch and listen HERE. 

Hug your babies. Hug your hubby. Hug your family. Live it up today. 

Thank you all for your sweet support and kind words.  You help me more than you could possibly know. 

Love to you all....

Jace

I know each year I come here and say the same thing about you and about my struggles this time of year, but one thing never changes...I just miss you so very much son.

It is so hard to explain to others how I feel, how so easily I could just shut down while everything  around me keeps moving.  I pulled this from FB the other day...it sums it up perfectly because there are no words.  Its pain like you've never known...

I can't get my head right this time of year, ever.  I try...oh boy do I try but it never works. I'm a soggy mess for a good two weeks.  You died on a Saturday.  This year's anniversary is on a Saturday.  I am going to be a judge for the Valentine's Day Parade in Palacios Saturday.  I hesitated when I first saw the date but decided that instead of not doing a damn thing all day and allowing myself to dwell on this day, I am going to honor you instead. I know you would want me to stay busy and not think about the worst day of my life.  The day I was forced to say good-bye. The day I held you for the very last time. Even now, 11 years later, as I'm typing this, I have a huge lump in my throat as I'm trying to keep the tears from taking over.  I'm losing this battle.  You were and still are very precious to me son and I hope you know how much Mommy loves you, misses you and how much I fought like hell that day to try and heal you.  I would have done anything for you.  Just know that this year I am going to try my best to smile and have a good day.  I can't promise you tears won't fall but Mommy will do her best just for you my love. 

You are forever and always in my heart son...