Pain

There are things going on in my life right now that I can't share.  All I can do is try to get these feelings out of my system because I can't keep them inside.  Its getting harder and harder to keep it inside.  I'm tired of faking smiles and happiness when my world is falling apart all around me.  I thought I had finally reached a point in my life where I could actually be happy again...and I was, until I was blindsided. I thought I was being a good wife, a good mom, a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend...a good everything.  But I wasn't.  Unbeknownst to me I let something very precious to me slip away.  Its heartbreaking because I didn't see it the way I should have and I had no idea I was doing it.   I wish I could fix things...but its too late.  My life will never be the same because of what I've done.  I don't like being sad all the time but I honestly don't know when I will ever be happy again.  This pain is ferocious.  I always said after my son died that if a heart surgeon opened me up, he would find a huge chunk of my heart gone.  I said it again after my Mom died...that another piece would be gone.  I think this is taking the rest of it.

Heartbroken

Truly heartbroken...I  never thought this day would come.  Ever.  Not to me.  I  hate that it has.  I'm still fighting it but I know I have to quit and begin to accept it.  I'm not remembering to be graceful.  The ugly bitch keeps peeking out and showing her face.  I feel helpless and lost...and having such a hard time understanding.  Can't stop crying...it hurts so bad.

Happy 1st Birthday Isabella Marie

Yes, really...its my baby girl's first birthday today!  This past year has zipped by.  I feel like we were just bringing Miss Bella home from the hospital and getting adjusted to having a little one again.  At times it feels as if I blinked and boom, she was two months older than she was before I blinked.  Time is flying but I am proud to say that I have taken in all the moments with her.  There have been times things were let go of so I could just hold my girl or rock her to sleep or just sit and play with her on the floor.  I took my own advice and was reminded by my friends to breathe in every moment, to savor every minute...because you only get those moments once and before you know it...your newborn baby is a year old!  We are putting off her party to the end of the month because Jeff is working every weekend until then and of course we want her Daddy to be here for her party.  Christopher wanted to take his sister to Build A Bear Workshop today to get her something.  Since Jeff was working nights, we waited for him to get up so he could have some time with Bella before we headed out.  Miss Bella didn't really know what was going on and wasn't into the whole build-a-bear thing so Chris did all the work for her.  We decided she needed a puppy (instead of a bear) and chose a dalmatian for her.  Maybe if she'll let me...I'll get a picture of her with Val (her dalmatian) tomorrow.  She was very good today but still a Mommy's girl so I didn't get the pictures I wanted to get.  After getting her puppy, we had a late lunch at Chick-fil-a (yummy), stopped by a couple stores before heading home.  We were here a short while before going to Nick's birthday party.  By the time we got home, she was tired and ready to go to bed. Jeff is working nights still and Chris is staying at another friend's house so I took these pictures while Bella was snuggling with me.  I love them...

The first picture I took wasn't focused but it was so sweet...no mean mugging going on...this one was next and as you can tell, she was mean mugging the camera.

Oh how I love snuggling with my girl....

More of my cutie patootie....

And one more of us....

Happy 1st Birthday my sweet, sweet girl.  Mommy loves you so very much.  I'm so happy to have you.  Love, hugs and kisses from me to you.

My Babies

Just some pictures of my kids I wanted to share with you.  These are from Christmas through last night during the Horns game.  I hope they make you smile...