Pain

There are things going on in my life right now that I can't share.  All I can do is try to get these feelings out of my system because I can't keep them inside.  Its getting harder and harder to keep it inside.  I'm tired of faking smiles and happiness when my world is falling apart all around me.  I thought I had finally reached a point in my life where I could actually be happy again...and I was, until I was blindsided. I thought I was being a good wife, a good mom, a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend...a good everything.  But I wasn't.  Unbeknownst to me I let something very precious to me slip away.  Its heartbreaking because I didn't see it the way I should have and I had no idea I was doing it.   I wish I could fix things...but its too late.  My life will never be the same because of what I've done.  I don't like being sad all the time but I honestly don't know when I will ever be happy again.  This pain is ferocious.  I always said after my son died that if a heart surgeon opened me up, he would find a huge chunk of my heart gone.  I said it again after my Mom died...that another piece would be gone.  I think this is taking the rest of it.