Two People

There are two people who are my everything these days.  Two people who make me smile when I need it most and give the best hugs at just the right time.  Two people that can lift me up when I feel like I am at my lowest point, when I feel can't go on anymore, when I feel that everything has been taken from me and I have nothing left to give.  Two people that remind me of why I fight everyday and who help me remember my grace.  Two people who I love with everything I have and would do anything for.  These people are two of the three sweetest gifts God has blessed me with. 

Sweetest gift #1...

Sweetest gift #2

Sometimes I wonder why God picked me to have such sweet kids...but I am thankful he did.

Decisions

Is it hard for you to make decisions?  On everything or just some things?  For me, all decisions are hard.  Well, let me take that back.  Simple ones are easy...but it seems the simple ones are few and far between.  I don't like making decisions, especially big ones that involve my family.  Big ones that are permanent, that could change things dramatically.  I am going to be facing some major decisions in the next couple of months. Decisions that I'm not happy about having to make.  I get sick to my stomach when I think about it, which means I'm sick most all the time.  These decisions have all stemmed from what has blindsided me, what has made me sad, what makes me cry every single day, what has consumed my life for 44 days.  Today I'm mad as hell that I have been put in this position to have to make these decisions.  I don't like what is being taken away from me.  I hate it.  I have not been given the option to try and fix what has been broken.  I have been hit with so much in this time that I am struggling to understand it all because there is so much I don't understand, so much I thought I knew but have found out I don't.  I hurt every single day.  I am trying to accept my future but that means I have to make these decisions and I'm afraid of what to decide because my heart and my head are battling.  This is hard, so very hard because I want desperately to continue fighting but it doesn't help.  In fact, from what I've been told....it just makes things worse.

Busted

My son just busted me.  SANTA brought Isabella this very cute personalized backpack for Christmas.  He put juice, snacks and a sippy cup in it.  SANTA also brought Christopher a camouflage cooler filled with IBC Rootbeer, camouflage popcorn and I'm drawing a blank on what else was in there?  One of the teacher's at Isabella's daycare asked me the other day where I got her backpack and I told her in Canton but I should have the business card with the website.  I didn't have time to look for it so I told her I'd find it and let her know.  Things happen, life took over my mind (along with many other crappy things) and I forgot to look.  That was, until now.  I remembered and decided to come sit down real quick and look for it...and I said this out loud to my son.  His reply was..."I thought Santa brought Isabella that backpack?"  Oh SHIT!   All I could do was just look at him for what seemed like an eternity and quickly try to figure out what the heck to say to him.  And this finally came out...

"you're absolutely right"

looooooong pause

"but Santa tells me where he gets stuff"

"oh really, well what's the name of the website?"

"well if I remembered, do you think I'd have to look it up?"  smart ass--takes after his Dad!

The conversation ends and I try to find the place I, me, his Mom, Isabella's Mom, a.k.a. SANTA, got this cute bag but I can't find it.  He finishes his dinner and gets a bowl of ice cream, comes back, sits down and I say...

"well, I guess SANTA didn't get her bag off a website because I can't find it...must have made it in his workshop"  DUH!!!

He's forgotten about by now and says thank you for picking up his favorite ice cream at the store today.  All these years that my son has believed in Santa I have always worried that some punk kid would be the one to spoil it for him years before he's ready to know or wants to know.  Little did I know or even think that it would be a punk Mommy spoiling the fun.  My son turns 11 in just a few short weeks and I know he is getting to that age of figuring things out, but if you're a Mom, I think you will understand when I say I want that innocence to stay with him for as long as possible.  I think he has forgotten about for now.  Crisis diverted.  I say this as I listen and watch him play with his sister and make her laugh out loud. 

Pain

There are things going on in my life right now that I can't share.  All I can do is try to get these feelings out of my system because I can't keep them inside.  Its getting harder and harder to keep it inside.  I'm tired of faking smiles and happiness when my world is falling apart all around me.  I thought I had finally reached a point in my life where I could actually be happy again...and I was, until I was blindsided. I thought I was being a good wife, a good mom, a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend...a good everything.  But I wasn't.  Unbeknownst to me I let something very precious to me slip away.  Its heartbreaking because I didn't see it the way I should have and I had no idea I was doing it.   I wish I could fix things...but its too late.  My life will never be the same because of what I've done.  I don't like being sad all the time but I honestly don't know when I will ever be happy again.  This pain is ferocious.  I always said after my son died that if a heart surgeon opened me up, he would find a huge chunk of my heart gone.  I said it again after my Mom died...that another piece would be gone.  I think this is taking the rest of it.

Heartbroken

Truly heartbroken...I  never thought this day would come.  Ever.  Not to me.  I  hate that it has.  I'm still fighting it but I know I have to quit and begin to accept it.  I'm not remembering to be graceful.  The ugly bitch keeps peeking out and showing her face.  I feel helpless and lost...and having such a hard time understanding.  Can't stop crying...it hurts so bad.

Happy 1st Birthday Isabella Marie

Yes, really...its my baby girl's first birthday today!  This past year has zipped by.  I feel like we were just bringing Miss Bella home from the hospital and getting adjusted to having a little one again.  At times it feels as if I blinked and boom, she was two months older than she was before I blinked.  Time is flying but I am proud to say that I have taken in all the moments with her.  There have been times things were let go of so I could just hold my girl or rock her to sleep or just sit and play with her on the floor.  I took my own advice and was reminded by my friends to breathe in every moment, to savor every minute...because you only get those moments once and before you know it...your newborn baby is a year old!  We are putting off her party to the end of the month because Jeff is working every weekend until then and of course we want her Daddy to be here for her party.  Christopher wanted to take his sister to Build A Bear Workshop today to get her something.  Since Jeff was working nights, we waited for him to get up so he could have some time with Bella before we headed out.  Miss Bella didn't really know what was going on and wasn't into the whole build-a-bear thing so Chris did all the work for her.  We decided she needed a puppy (instead of a bear) and chose a dalmatian for her.  Maybe if she'll let me...I'll get a picture of her with Val (her dalmatian) tomorrow.  She was very good today but still a Mommy's girl so I didn't get the pictures I wanted to get.  After getting her puppy, we had a late lunch at Chick-fil-a (yummy), stopped by a couple stores before heading home.  We were here a short while before going to Nick's birthday party.  By the time we got home, she was tired and ready to go to bed. Jeff is working nights still and Chris is staying at another friend's house so I took these pictures while Bella was snuggling with me.  I love them...

The first picture I took wasn't focused but it was so sweet...no mean mugging going on...this one was next and as you can tell, she was mean mugging the camera.

Oh how I love snuggling with my girl....

More of my cutie patootie....

And one more of us....

Happy 1st Birthday my sweet, sweet girl.  Mommy loves you so very much.  I'm so happy to have you.  Love, hugs and kisses from me to you.

My Babies

Just some pictures of my kids I wanted to share with you.  These are from Christmas through last night during the Horns game.  I hope they make you smile...