My Love

I'm trying to remember the message you sent me at the first of the year, "Its Okay to Laugh" but I'm having a hard time. This was the day our world was turned upside down. The horrible dream that was unfolding was becoming reality. There were no miracles, no script that could be rewritten to keep you with us. You were destined for Heaven, and there was nothing anyone could do. 

I broke down in the shower Saturday. Just hit me like wave and I was crying uncontrollably. I pulled myself together and no one knew. 

Yesterday, I took out the packet that the hospital gave us after you passed. It has a letter from the hospital, condolences from the staff, literature about grieving & coping with the death of a child, a locket of your hair that I cut and prints of your little hands and feet that I also helped with. I ran my hand across your little prints, closed my eyes and there you were. Every part of you that I spent memorizing in the hospital was there. It made me smile because in that same moment of seeing you, I remembered your sweet baby Jace smell. 

I will no doubt be a little quieter today as I remember the events that unfolded this day 13 years ago. They stay with me. As a momma you want to protect your children and do everything possible to keep them safe. I feel as though I failed you all those years ago and that is something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let go of. I'm so sorry son. I'm probably more overprotective of your brother and sister because of it. I guess in a small way, this is your way of torturing your siblings. Ha! Even gone, you are finding ways into our lives. Keep it coming son. 

I love you & miss you so very much Jace Andrew. My heart will never be the same. 

Mommy