February 8th

7 years ago on this day, Heaven received the sweetest little angel.  It was my son, Jace.  I can remember so much about this day.  The hard, desperate prayers to God begging him to heal my son, begging him not to take him.  I dread this day every year and often wonder if there will ever come a time when I won't dread it.  I miss Jace every day and think of him every day.  Our lives were forever changed by our son's passing.  For me, all innocence was destroyed and I learned the hard way to cherish each day like it was my last.  Don't wait to do anything, do it now. Soak in every moment before it passes or you'll miss it forever.  Tell your family everyday that you love them. The dishes can wait, the clean house can wait, laundry can wait...it all can wait for your kids and your family.  There were times that I put all the other stuff first and I regret that.  Just 5 more minutes I would say.  I regret not holding my son longer.  I regret putting him down to sleep  while I got all the other stuff done.  I thought I would have forever with him.  Little did I know that God had other plans for us.  I question the road God has sent us on since this day.  I can see the positive things that have come from Jace's death but it still doesn't make it any easier and sadly...I still don't understand why he had to leave us so soon.  If you take anything with you from this post, its to remember to live life to the fullest and share it with the ones you love the most, remembering to tell them everyday how much you love them.  Give your husband and kids an extra tight and long hug today.  Forget about cooking dinner tonight and order pizza, watch a movie together or play a game.  All of those things you need to get done will still be waiting for you tomorrow.

Birthday Party Fun

That's me and my birthday girl...in case you didn't know.  :)  Remember I told you we were having her party later in the month so her Daddy could be there.  It was a great day with lots and lots of people celebrating with us.  We had BBQ, a cake, cupcakes, ice cream, deviled eggs, homemade rolls, sausage appetizers...anything else?  Before we get started on what we did, here is another picture of Isabella in her tutu.  The tutu was made by a friend of her Daddy's when she couldn't even sit up by herself.  I thought it was perfect for her birthday outfit.

 

I did things a little different, backwards if you will.  The party was later in the day so we had cake and ice cream first, then presents and then we ate bbq.  My new friend Lauren Tielke made Bella's cake and cupcakes...

 

A shot from the top...

Everyone loved the cakes and she did a fabulous job.  Sure wish you could have tasted them because they were good!  I think you can see Bella agreed...

After a quick bath and outfit change, Bella was ready to open gifts.  She received many wonderful gifts and is set with toys, Spring outfits and accessories.  

After the gifts were opened, the BBQ was brought in, Grace was said and we all dug in for an awesome meal prepared by family.  I was so busy making sure everyone was taken care of inside that I never took pictures of my brothers freezing their hineys off in the cold (and wet) outside all day but I am thankful for them because they are awesome cooks and the bbq was great.  I did manage to snap this picture earlier in the day of my sister and her daughter Makenna getting the deviled eggs ready for us...

And here is picture of the Happy Birthday banner hanging and the gift table...

I borrowed this idea from Kelly's Korner.  With Lauren's help we made this sign to hang above my dough bowl (I talked about it here Canton Finds).  I used it to hold my party favors of little bags of SweetTarts and M & M's.

As you can see, I ended up not hanging it but I think it looked great as is...

Isabella got this oh-so-cute tutu from Jeff's cousin Stevan and his girlfriend Theresa.  Theresa later took these pictures of Bella in the tutu.  They are two of my favorite pictures from the day. 

  

As you can see, my girl had a great time!  My only regret of the day is that we did not get a picture of Jeff and I with Bella.  We were both going in many directions that day that we never stopped long enough to take that picture. 

I want to end this post with Miss Isabella's stats as of her 1-year check-up...

Weighing in at 22 lbs. 9 oz. and 30 1/4 inches long

Still not sleeping through the night, just root around a lot. 

Most of the time, you make it until morning before you want another bottle.

You LOVE Zesty Tomato Cheetos (they are Graduates Brand)

Banana Puffs are your fave, followed by Sweet Potato

You are now drinking from a sippy cup.  Mommy is working to get you off your bottle.

We were making progress with a sippy cup during the day, bottle only at night and in the morning but we've regressed some.

You adore your brother, follow him everywhere and love hanging out with him in his room.

You still love snuggling with your Mommy and Mommy loves it right back.

You are a chicken eating little girl.

A good eater all around really. 

Still love to dance when you hear music.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is your favorite show to watch.

Handy Manny is next followed by Imagination Movers.

You have 8 teeth...and cutting your molars!

I feel like there is so much more I am forgetting because you seem to be doing so much.  You've been walking since you were 10 1/2 months old.  You pick up on things so quickly these days.  You're waving bye-bye, still doing the gimme gimme with your hands when you want something or want someone to hold you.  You will say thank you and your welcome but you have to listen for it because its not real clear...but you know that's what you're saying.  Oh yes..."Uh-oh"...can't remember when you started that but you say it all the time...even when you intentionally throw something down.  Mommy loves you so stinkin' much and loves watching you grow and learn new things every day.  I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings my love.

Habits

How do you break habits? Habits that have been with you for a very long time...how do you quit doing them?  A habit like...calling or texting someone with every little silly thing that happens in your life, a thought that passes, an idiot on the road, an idiot at work, an idiot in the store, a car that you know he would love or just a simple hello.  A habit that maybe you didn't even realize you had until you now had to change it.  I find myself still wanting to tell Jeff about everything going on in my life and its something that I'm aware I did before but I guess not to the extent I thought?  Does that make sense? He was my "Go 2" person.  I miss having a Go 2 person.  He would always reply with something.  I could talk to him about anything.  I mean sure I have girlfriends and my sister that I do talk to but not like I talked to Jeff.  He got it all and then some.  I miss that and its hard to just break that habit.  I wish I knew the quick and easy fix for it.  Do you think they have a gum or patch for something like this?   

Firm Grip

Jeff and I have separated and he has asked me for a divorce.  There...I said it.  Some of you had figured it out, some of you, when told, said you were going in a completely different direction and some didn't even know this...and for that, I apologize.   

I started this blog as an online journal for myself, a way to be able to express myself without getting the hand cramps of trying to write everything down in the many journals I've tried to keep before, a place to document pictures of my family, a place to document the happenings of my life, good and bad.  Its great therapy for me, always has been.  And if somewhere along the line, I picked up a few readers that were interested in what lil ole me was thinking and had to say, then great.  I am sorry that my recent posts have not been happy, full of sunshine, all is merry in my world posts.  I'm having a difficult time and yes, some days are harder than others but regardless of what anyone says, I am dealing with it.  I should be able to come here and put my thoughts down and not have them twisted into something more or something that isn't true.  Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion but when it directly affects me, then I get upset.  Yes, my husband has asked me for a divorce...what you don't know and understand is that up until that time, I thought I had a great life.  I thought he was deliriously happy as I was because he never said otherwise until December 13th.  So yes, I was blindsided.  Yes, I've been struggling.  Yes, I'm having to make decisions I've never had to make before.  Yes, I've been in pain.  18 years is a long time folks and I can't just let go of it right away--it means a great deal to me so yes, I think I'm entitled be upset and to hesitate.  Until you have walked in my shoes and you've had to go through what I am going through right now, I don't think you have a qualified opinion on the subject and you damn sure have no right to give advice on what you think I'm going to do based on what I put here.  My heart truly hurts by the ugly things people are saying about me.  I have a grip people...I have a firm grip.  Divorce brings out the nastiest people.  Jeff and I are not those kind of people.  We never have been....and we're not about to start now just because we aren't going to be married anymore.  We have two precious kids to continue to raise together and we are going to do it being friends and parents together.  For all the naysayers out there that think it can't be done, stay tuned...we will prove you wrong.