Struggling

I'm still trying to digest what I have been told.  I hate knowing what I know.  I hate it.  I'm trying so hard to be positive but each day gets harder and harder.  I struggle to keep a smile on my face.  I want to cry all the time because I'm sad.  But I have to force the smile...for my kids...and because its Christmas.  Because its the most wonderful time of the year.  I love this time of year...but I'm struggling.  And I hate that I'm struggling.  I should be talking Santa and reindeer and shopping and parties and family and Christmas trees and snow and gingerbread men and all other things Christmas.  How I'm so very excited for my daughter's first Christmas and how I'm equally excited that Christopher still believes in Santa and hasn't figured things out yet and how I love their innocence.  How I love Christmas morning when Christopher wakes me up all excited that Santa has come and brought lots of presents.  This was a great year.  I loved this year.  So many milestones and so many new beginnings.  Now...now I just want the year to come to an end.